Tasteless Humor

Simon Weston has set up a social media website
.
.
Friends reignited

 

A man enters a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sits next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde keeps looking at his bulging pockets. After many glances from her, he says, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look, thinking about what he has said.
Not able to contain her curiosity, she asks, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

You bad bad man

 

I get this all the time. Customers email me and if you haven't found an answer and response in an hour or so, they've been elsewhere and got sorted. Everyone is wanting everything instantly. Just happen the other day and the firm they went to was much more expensive.

I'm upping my prices, grrrr.

 

I may have found the ultimate sign I so need to make one of these.

 

I need a good French translation of that to hang behind me at work. Although, if I put it up in English no one would understand it but I'll still get a certain gratification from it.

 

Are you in Canada?

 

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''

The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''

''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''

The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.

''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.

''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'''

 

I remember a trip to America and I went to visit a school. With being English, they wanted me to sit in one of the history classes dressed as an Indian. I thought, 'This will go down well'.
The teacher said, Let’s begin by reviewing some American History.
Teacher :- Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?
The whole class was a sea of blank faces except for me, so I put my hand up and said, ‘Patrick Henry, 1775,’.
Teacher :- Who said ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?’
Again, no response, so I said:- ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863’
The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed, Nonnie who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.’
She heard a loud whisper: ‘**** the Indians’
‘Who said that?’ she demanded. Again I said, ‘General Custer, 1862.’
At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’
The teacher glares around and asks ‘All right! Now, who said that?’
So I says, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’
Now furious, another student yells, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’
I jump out of my chair waving my hand and I shout to the teacher, ‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.’
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said ‘You little ****. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’
By know, I frantically yell at the top of my voice, ‘Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.’
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
‘Oh ****, we’re screwed!’ so I said said quietly, ‘I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th,2008’.

I thought it went well.

 

DR Congo. What? You didn't recognize my avatar?

 

Back in 2006 I was teaching in a high school and we had a computer lab complete with satellite internet. A friend of mine knew two Zimbabweans that wanted on the internet so he brought them to my lab. Still outside they saw students flying out of the building in a rush. Peaking inside they saw me on my knees in front of a guy saying, in English, "Jesus, what did I do to deserve this?" I had just reached my limit of asking someone 20 times variations of the same question without an answer. You see to keep the class free for kids from 5 schools we did repairs, typing and internet service for people who paid for the services. The guy had a broken computer and wanted me to fix it but would not answer the question I needed answered to proceed.
Ever since then, thanks to my friend, people are warned, "You don't want to see him go Jesus."
On a happier note. My assistant back then is now studying IT in Indiana and in 5 years of college so far he is straight A's but for one C. He has 2 more to finish his masters. Then there's a prof at U of Chicago and another at Harvard that want him to do a Phd with them in political economics.
Not bad for a kid the grew up literally in a mud brick house with dirt floors.

 

I thought it was Whoopi Goldberg

 

I regionalised it for you

 

this is so so true.

 

If someone asks you to spell "Part A" backwards, don't do it. It's a trap......

 

Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.
.
.
.
Are they taking the piss?

 

I was on a train this morning, in the loo, having a ****, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a ****."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn!"

 

Jeeves is getting uppity and in need of a FLOGGING!

 

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the Spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!
But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."
The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"

 

Ha ha ha that was a good one

A bloke goes into a library he says "Have you got a book about micro penises".
She replied " let me see if it's in "
He said "yes that's the one "