You are an adult in a pretty decent and happy marriage for the most part. You have a friend..a childhood friend of the opposite sex who lives in the same state as you...but only recently. You only get together and hang out when other friends in your old circle travel through. Keep in mind this is not our hometown as we were all miltary brats and moved around, but a core group of us were friends for at LEAST 4 yrs, some longer. Recently a friend comes through and you all decide to get together,and your friend brings one of his friends along that you don't know. I guess I'll stop talking in 3rd person now.So my male friend had some drinks but he wasn't drunk. He wasn't slurring his words, he spoke coherently, while his friend on the other hand was wasted. I was the last minute designated driver for my friend along with his wasted friend. On the way home my friend called me sweetie, hun,honey about 10 times. Touched my leg while talking and would do a high five but then hold on to my hand. It felt awkward and it was not expected. I brushed it off as him being buzzed and didn't think of him as a perv or being disrespectful...until I really started to think about it. We were best friends in middle school and high school, and I always had a little crush on him. The first time we met back up again, he did not act that way, nor did old feelings resurface, so when we got together this weekend, I thought it would be just a fun night full of reminiscing...which it was. However I kinda feel like he slightly disrespected my husband by the way he acted. I know if my hubby was in a similar situation and some old friend was calling him honey and touching him every 5 minutes, I would feel disrespected. He invited us over to a barbecue this weekend and I will most likely decline b/c it would just feel too weird. This is why I don't think it's a good idea to have close friends who are the opposite sex when you're married. Too many variables. Anyway, am I just over-thinking this?
Well .....You, a woman, have had a platonic friendship w/this man since your school days, which is always nice to have - BUT he's still a man and they're wired differently than us women..... Seriously, I wouldn't put to much stock in his behavior simply b/c he had had something to drink, gave him a buzz, which lowers the inhibitions and if that's all your friend did was to touch your leg once or twice & call you 'hun', 'sweetie'.... I'd let it go and not say anything about it to him. Let him bring it up - if he does and apologizes for it, that's good, but he probably won't..... Since you 2 have been friends for so many yrs, I wouldn't give up the friendship - but if it happens again, then I'd definitely say something and set him straight and m/b also tell him you don't want to be around him when he's drinking b/c you don't like the change in him........
That's kinda what I was thinking. I don't even think an apology is warranted. He touched more than once or twice though. It was all throughout the night, and all areas except my private parts lol. His friend(who also had to touch me everytime he spoke)did touch my butt, but he was so drunk I think it was by accident. It was just weird. I've been married to my hubby for a long time and he's the only man that i feel that should be touching me that way. However it's not everyday that we get together and we're never alone together so I think bringing anything up may just make our friendship too weird and I don't want that either. I guess it just disappoints me in a way b/c the friend I knew back in the day...in my mind....wouldn't tow the line. So maybe my issue is that I have to come to grips with the fact that people change, and they aren't always how you remember them.
People change and in your case, wasn't he just a kid when your friendship started? And now he's a grown man and ... well, hormones and all that... I know exactly what you mean by being disappointed..... I had a brother-in-law I liked - he and I got along really good. I tho't of him like my brother. One day I went some place w/him and he made a provocative suggestion to me that left me stunned, speechless. All I could do was stare at him - finally found my voice and snarled "I'm going to pretend you never asked me that, now take me home!" He apologized, but I didn't care and after that, I was uncomfortable in his presence. I never told Tom what he said.... I hate fights. What a disappointment he turned out to be... but some men are like that.
The guys sounds like a horn dog...and I can't tell you how many times I've been out on a date and another guy hits on my date when it's obvious I'm with the gal. Many men are (*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)s like that...they don't care if you're married or already in a relationship. Avoid him like the plague.
That removes all agency from men, and strips us of responsibility for our actions!! You will be surprised to hear, that many men are capable of having female friends without trying to have sex with them!! If some men aren't capable of that, it is because they are ignorant pricks, not because ALL men simply can't control themselves!!
No, you're not over-thinking this, Traditionalist. If you love and respect your husband and value your marriage stay away from your old friend...
Agreed, except that I'm not sure that they are "ignorant pricks." Some men just seem incapable of controlling their urges around women, especially when they've been imbibing. Other men can handle it. I've known men sophisticated and intelligent are practically adolescent when it comes to that behavior, and others who are low class and uneducated who treat their relationships with female friends and acquaintances with respect.
Sounds like everyone is pretty much in agreement. You're right for feeling the way you do and he was wrong for what he did. I wouldn't go so far as to say it isn't possible to have opposite sex friends while in a healthy relationship, especially a strong one like you are in. It takes two to tango. Don't ignore male friends because of the actions of this one friend, but don't worry about cutting off the friendship if they overstep their bounds. Now, if your SO is paranoid or threatened by you having a male friend or friends, that is a different story.....
If you value his friendship, be up front with him about your feelings. If he values your friendship as much as you, he will back off. Otherwise, it's no big deal. Your husband is your best friend anyway.
Her old childhood friend had been drinking enuf to loosen him up and he acted in a way that he never would have when sober. If he had done more than what he did, then I would have walked out of his life that day....... Some men And women can act like idiots when they've had enuf to drink - it doesn't make them bad people. If her friend apologizes, good - he acknowledged he was out of line, but if he doesn't, could be that he feels like an idiot.... but if it happens again- then she should cut all ties.
HAHAHA This is interesting. If you don't want your husband, then you can use that guy to get out, but not for much more, because he probably does that to many women and probably has no girlfriend at the time to bond his motivations. If you don't want changes, it is better if you don't socialize with him and he doesn't socialize with you. A lot of times old friends are best kept in memory because if they step out back into real life they will not return there.
If your friend knew you were married, you and your husband were disrespected. Dont fluff off that (*)(*)(*)(*). A true friend who respects you would never put their hands on you like that. Tell him dont ever do that (*)(*)(*)(*) again. He will respect you for it in the end. Old school 101.
Where did she say she wanted out of her marriage? Couldn't you just say "I want a divorce" instead of going out and cheating on him? Playing fast and loose with someone's heart just to force a change isn't the way to do it.
But ... falena, Traditionalist wrote that she used to like that guy back at school. He may have disrespected her, but why the harsh words? This happened to me too when a former (drunk) classmate climbed on top of me at another party where my GF at the time couldn't make it. Harsh words would have reduced her party mood and would have made me sound like a jerk. I think avoidance is a better solution, but if they are drunk, they take whatever they want to take, you don't want to go to jail for pissing them off and ending up like a bar fight, especially with the opposite sex.
I complete agree with you, but Traditionalist didn't mention this aspect so I allowed for the possibility. About the fast-and-loose, it depends how much your self-confidence is propped up when you want to leave. It is possible that a longer relationship erodes the self confidence of one or both parties.
Oh here we go...it's really the woman's fault (never let you down, do they). I think this is the decider. Drunks do silly things but if he attempts it again in sobriety, it is a problem you might have to deal with. You're in the club with the rest of us, OP...men are pigs and my experience is women are no better. It makes me sick sometimes, when you think you're getting along well with someone and then you realise their motives are quite different from your own. It's surprising how unsettling it is though, isn't it? The term "sexual harassment" was not coined for nothing.
I know whenever I was buzzed in the past I was still aware of what I was doing. I may have felt a little more loose and carefree but still very much in control. He didn't start with the Hun/hunNy and touching my leg until we were alone(well his friend was in the back but he passed out) in my car while driving him home.
How do you get it was the woman's fault from what I wrote? I don't believe it was her fault for her friend's actions. She didn't do anything to encourage him. Seriously. I am puzzled. Can you explain?
I'm actually one of those faithful wives that doesn't believe in throwing her family away on a fling or a "what if". Now of course we all have those times where we wonder how life would have turned out with someone else, but it's usually a fleeting thought. We don't have a perfect marriage, we have our issues, but I still wouldn't risk my kids loosing respect for me. People dOn't like to think about the consequences before cheating.
You sound like a feminist. Sexual harassment is a very gray scale, touching people without their consent is in the insult category, not sexual harassment. Sexual harassment begins when articles of clothing start to come off. Luckily, this did not happen in this story.
I didn't feel like I was sexually harassed. I actually felt more uncomfortable when his friend would put his arm around me...mainly b/c I didn't know him. I was more hurt after the fact that he would attempt to go there. When you respect someone you don't do that. I can't explain it but even now I still have great feelings for him as a friend, and I'm not mad at him, just a little disappointed
OK I have posted too much in this thread. But let me add this one more thing. If one thing leads to another and you end up in bed with him, it will NOT be your fault, but it will destroy your marriage at an instant. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Run home whilst you can.
