Sage Advice for the next generation

1. Wear kevlar laced condoms until you are actually ready to have children
2. Girls make sure the boys are wearing kevlar laced condoms until you are actually ready to have children
3. Failing to do numbers 1 and 2 will result in slightly more pleasure for approximately 10 mins but may result in a lifetime of pain
4. I'm not talking about just STD's in regards to Number 3
5. Only have children when you are financially able to have children and you are with the person you want to be with for the rest of your life
6. Number 5 does not include the person you met drunk at the bar who you've known for 2 weeks
7. Children born as the result of failing to adhere to Numbers 1, 2, 5 and 6 are not "miracles", they are "mistakes"
8. Get a degree or learn a trade in a realistic field that can actually earn you a living
9. Number 8 does not mean "Puppetry" or "Dance" because you think it's "fun"
10. Failing to adhere to this list is your own fault, nobody elses, so don't hold your hand out asking those who did adhere to this list for their money

 

Well in regards to #5 I'm just telling people to use common sense. I'm not saying you should be rich or anything before reproducing but if you are working at Burger King making minimum wage and barely earning enough money to feed and house YOURSELF then it doesn't really make rational sense to bring another person in the world to take care of at that point.

I only say that due to first hand experiences that I've seen in regards to childhood friends. I'm my opinion people should only have children with those who they actually plan on having a life with together. Now granted things happen, people grow apart, they get divorced, etc, I understand that. But I'm talking about at least waiting until you are in a stable relationship with someone for awhile and you have BOTH planned to build a future together before deciding to have children together. Every single one of my childhood female friends who have children are single mothers right now. EVERY SINGLE ONE of them. And every single of them is, for all intensive purposes, screwed.

Thats why I said #6. Now I get it that accidents happen, the passion of the moment don't want to stop and grab a condom, don't want to use a condom, don't have any condoms but are drunk and don't care, etc. But what I saw with a lot of my female friends is that they would try to anchor down with a guy they haven't even known very long. It's not all their fault, I'm a realist, I wasn't born my age I used to be a young guy in my teens and early 20s and I know what guys do. Guys will tell a girl any damn thing she wants to hear to get her to sleep with him. Not all guys of course but a lot of guys are like that.

Girl "I only have sex if I'm in a relationship"
Guy "I love you"
Girl "Really?"

Now of course it's not that simple and I'm not trying to paint young women as completely naive and clueless to that extent but that's basically what is going on in a lot of these situations. Hell I did it plenty of times I'm not going to lie. I guess I should have worded #5 a bit differently to say make sure you BOTH want to actually be together and you don't have the type of "boyfriend" who immediately dumps you when you ask about moving in together because he was only telling you he loved you because it was the only way you were willing to drop your pants.

So my advice is to just make sure before you have kids you ensure that BOTH parties involved are ok with that and are planning on building a future. I'd recommend waiting until at least marriage after having been together for a decent amount of time and had the sit down discussion regarding starting a family. That way you don't end up like all of my female friends who basically ruined their entire lives by getting pregnant by their "boyfriend" they met at the bar last Friday night who subsequently took off running like a horse at a glue factory the second they saw 2 lines on that birth control test.

 

I dunno, I grew up in a relatively small town in the deep south and a whole lot of the girls back then tended to make some pretty terrible life choices. You are absolutely correct when you say a lot of women spend their youth going after the wrong guy. I don't know what the deal is with that. Like you said some grow and learn and some do not. My best friend is extremely hard headed and all these years later she still hasn't managed to figure that out yet.

I stress about the having kids thing because while this may sound shocking and extremely harsh to a lot of people, having a child can very well be the single worst mistake that a person can make in their entire life if they weren't ready for it. I've watched so many of my friends, including my best friend ruin their lives by getting pregnant by accident. My best friend is absolutely screwed right now and I feel so bad for her. When I first heard she was pregnant I was crushed because I knew what was about to happen to her. She can never leave our home town because of custody issues. She has almost no money, the father of this child left her and married someone else and started a different family. She struggles to attend a handful of college classes that she can afford to pay for every once and awhile. And every so often when the severity of her situation gets to her I'll get a phone call of her crying saying "What the hell was a thinking? Why did I do this how could I be so stupid, I love my daughter shes my daughter, but dear God sometimes I wish I could rewind time".

And I sit here and think to myself damnit...DAMNIT! I told you! I told you not to date that guy, I told you not to have kids back then, I told you to wait....I (*)(*)(*)(*)ing TOLD YOU! I get so frustrated and mad sometimes. I really do.

Normally I don't care and the evil part of me sort of laughs at people like that. Yeah whatever you were the dummy who had kids at 18 like an idiot so now figure out how to raise them with no daddy and your job at Wendy's haha. Now dry your tears and suck it up, nobody told you to get pregnant. Meanwhile I'll sit here in my big house and watch my huge TV and drive my 2 cars around and play on my $1500 computer and drink very expensive whiskey out of very expensive glasses because I'm not an idiot like you were.

But shes my best friend and I am devastated that she did this to herself and I just don't have the heart to even mock her in my mind because I care about her. I'd love to be able to rewind the clock and go back to that fateful day in the restaurant when she was telling me about how shes going to go spend the night with that new damn boyfriend of hers. I knew it was a stupid idea, I tried to tell her. I should have just took her home instead of dropping her off over there like she asked me to. Kicking and screaming and whatever, I don't care.

Then sure enough, about a month later I get a phone call from her crying saying "Oh my God....I'm pregnant". And now shes screwed and it breaks my heart.

Don't let me paint a false picture that I hate kids or anything because that is certainly not the case. I'm just telling young people that you better have a plan and you better be careful because you have absolutely no idea what a child will do to your life if you aren't prepared for it. And at an early stage in life, a child could RUIN it.

It sounds harsh and a bit gross but I had this conversation with another friend of mine oh so many years ago. She had gotten drunk and was panicking because she had unprotected sex the night before and was freaking thinking she might have an STD. I told her flat out "You better pray that's all he gave you". And I'm serious.

 

It's not to the point where she can't provide for the child it's just that she has to pretty much sacrifice her entire life to do it. Has to work long hours to make the money to provide for two people, can't really afford college nor has the time to study for the few classes she can periodically take so shes spent 10 years trying to get a Associates Degree. No money for daycare, parents live too far away to help watch the child when she needs a break, etc. It's just a mess.

Letting your child go is a huge pill to swallow to say the least. Words can't even begin to describe how hard that is to do and most parents would rather just work themselves into the ground to "make it work" over putting their kids up for adoption. I know there comes a point where the childs needs need to be addressed, but that's opening up a whole other discussion about morality and whatnot.

She calls me often and talks about various ways that she can get some higher education or possibly learn a trade or something to get herself a better job because she just flat out can't keep doing what shes doing forever. But the issue always boils right back down to one thing, the child. She can't leave the state as long as she has joint custody. The childs father who went off and remarried has a very stable life and career and family so if she tried to fight for full custody she wouldn't be able to win. He actually threatened to take her to court and just take the child and his new family and leave and she panicked because sad to say it but in all reality if he did that then he would probably win.

She was seriously considering just letting the father have the little girl and signing over parental rights so she could join the military. Or doing the same thing and getting some student loans and just going off to college and just hoping that the father wouldn't let their bad blood keep her away from her daughter forever. It's just extremely difficult for a parent to leave their child like that and I certainly understand that. But right now she's at a crossroads. I'm not sure if she is still considering any of these options, she hasn't brought it up and I don't ask her about things like that unless she tells me. But stepping completely out of the emotional box, these might be the best options she has right now.

And another sad reality that she faces is the fact that she's a single mother. She gets so depressed watching almost all of her friends and relatives get married and start a life together while she remains single. Shes a beautiful woman, she really is, not just because shes my best friend but because she is gorgeous. She's also really cool and caring, a bit sassy at times but whatever ya know. But she has what most guys just do not want to deal with and that's a child that is not theirs. Most men don't want to raise someone elses child or deal with the childs real father and the awkward situations that poses. Plus with the financial situation shes in any guy that wishes to start a relationship with her is going to have to, for lack of better words, take her on. Her and her daughter. Thats not something most people want to do.

It sucks, it really truly sucks and it's not fair and it seems really mean but thats how it is. Those are the other types of phone calls that I routinely get from her. Her just super depressed and crying because once again another one of her girlfriends went off and got married and shes still alone. She always says the same thing "Why? Why does nobody want me? I don't think I'm ugly. You know me I'm super nice and caring and loyal and fun to be around. I like going to guy things men like to do too. I'll go to the bar and watch the game with you or play video games. I don't care about nice fancy dinners at expensive restaurants or any of that. I'd be an awesome girlfriend why doesn't anybody want me?"

Because you're a single mother in your late 20s with very little money and a child. As beautiful and cool and fun and caring as you are, most people just flat out do not want to deal with that. There are beautiful, cool, fun, and caring women out there who don't have kids. That's who most of these guys are looking for. Sadly, thats why all of her friends are married and she is not. She has the hardest time even getting a boyfriend let alone a husband.

Thats why Im saying kids and young folks. You don't want to put yourselves in that sort of position. One night of pleasure for a lifetime of misery. Trust me, under no circumstances whatsoever is that worth it. NOBODY at the bar is THAT attractive to warrant risking doing that to yourself.

 

I wasn't saying that nobody will want a young woman with a child, but having a child does eliminate a decent sized chunk of your potential dating pool. I have plenty of guy friends who also married women with kids. I almost did that myself. I think that as she gets older she will have better success because as people age they get more mature and tend to leave the crazy wild party lifestyle behind and start wanting to settle down. Her problem was that she was seeking out guys in the completely wrong dating pool for what she is after. I personally knew all of her previous boyfriends, it's a small town, and I could tell right off the bat how well each of these guys was going to work out.

I think thats what I'm trying to say. If you're in your teens or early 20s and a single mother then it's going to be hard to find a guy your own age who wants to actually be in a relationship with you. Guys that age don't tend to want anything to do with a family they want to go hang out with their buddies and party. It very well might take quite a few years to reach the age where guys start growing out of that mentality. The majority teens and young folks in their early 20s who have kids did so by accident. Look at the amount of single mothers in their teens and early 20s. Thats because that guy didn't want a family, he screwed up and would rather take off running and pay child support if he's even worth a damn over sitting there and raising a child at his young age.

That's why I said in my first post to make sure the person you are with is actually the person you are going to be with if you have children. In reference to young people. I used to be a young guy in my early 20s, I had plenty of other guy friends in their teens and early 20s, I know how guys in their teens and early 20s think. Having kids and raising a family is the last thing on most of their minds. Not all of course, but a lot. Which is why every single one of my female friends from back then is currently a single mother. When they were in their teens or early 20s and met a guy in his teens and early 20s. They got pregnant and that guy bailed. Thats why I said I highly recommend people at least wait until they are married and discuss this before having children.

I don't know every guy, and I know not all women are saints either, but I am a guy and used to be a young guy so I know a bit more about how they can be. I wasn't born old and grumpy lol, I used to be that age. Back then I'd tell you that I love you and I'd marry you first thing in the morning if it meant you'd sleep with me that night if thats what I knew you wanted to hear. We can be extremely cruel sometimes.