The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
On an old, beat-up car: This is not an abandoned vehicle.
Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
Born Free...Taxed to Death.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
REHAB is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
All men are Idiots, and I married their King!
E. coli Happens.
Ashes to ashes...dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
Kiss her where it smells...take her to New Jersey.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !!
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
No Radio - Already Stolen.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Few women admit their age, Few men act it!
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!
Which came first? The woman or the department store?
LAWYER: A cat that settles a dispute between 2 mice.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are only alive because it it illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
I'm not as think as you drunk I am
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering..
Don't come knocking if the car is rocking
Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're a jerk.
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
JESUS SAVES . . . They Pass It To Gretzky... He Shoots? He Scores!
Jesus is coming! Look busy!
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Hang up and drive.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
40 isn't old ----- if you're a tree.

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<<Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.>>