To be a Republican today you need to believe:

1. Jesus loves you and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a 'we-can't-find-Bin-Laden' diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but
trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all
mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing
health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense,
but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which many hundreds of thousands die needlessly is solid moral defense policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're
a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

15. Support for 'Executive Privilege' in perpetuity for every Republican ever
born, who will be born, or who might be born.

16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what
Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

17. Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for
wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

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It must be troubling to those for whom authority is the only truth when confronted by those for whom truth is the only authority.