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10-29-2004, 09:29 AM
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Welcome, Future Citizen!
Thank you for expressing your interest in becoming a citizen of the United States of America. We are looking forward to your individual and important contribution to our great Republic. Before you begin filling out your Application for Citizenship (Form 13342.43A see attached) you should be aware of some recent changes in our citizenship process.
US voter law now requires that before becoming a US Citizen you must determine your US Political affiliation. There are two choices of political affiliation that will be explained fully in the My Two Dads: Voting in America booklet, which has been provided with your citizenship packet. For purposes of brevity the two choices will be known hereafter as Red (Republican) and Blue (Democrat). Now you will answer a series of self-assessment questions to determine which party you prefer. Answer each question by circling either Paul Reiser's head or Greg Evigan's head. [Editorial note: I didn't bother with the graphics.] If you do not speak English, then please just circle whichever head you find more sexually electrifying, or ask a citizenship advisor to assist you by speaking English loudly and slowly. Please answer each question honestly; there is no right or wrong answer. 1. I support massive Federal spending Yes (Red) Yes (Blue) 2. I like the government to raise taxes on the people to cover massive spending. Yes (Blue) No (Red) 3. I like the government to use imaginary fantasy money to cover massive spending. Yes (Red) No (Blue) 4. Christ is Lord and you had better believe it. Yes (Red) No (Blue) 5. Christ is Lord, but hey, whatever guy. Yes (Blue) No (Red) 6. I support the troops, until they stop shooting and start complaining. Yes (Red) No (Blue) 7. I support the troops, because it would look bad if I didn't. Yes (Blue) No (Red) 8. The jury is still out on this "evolution" business Yes (Red) No (Blue) 9. The jury is still out on this "capitalism" business Yes (Blue) No (Red) 10. I get all of my opinions from film celebrities. Yes (Blue) No (Red) 11. I get all of my opinions from radio celebrities. Yes (Red) No (Blue) 12. "Liberal" is a dirty word, it's "Commie", you pinko. Yes (Red) No (Blue) 13. "Black" is a dirty word, it's "African-American", you racist. Yes (Blue) No (Red) 14. Which statement most closely approximates your views on the war in Iraq? "Oh my God, the terrorists might kill us at any minute, invading this random country was the only way to be safe!" (Red) "Oh my God, our Commander in Thief is making the troops torture Iraqi babies until they bleed oil for Halliburton!" (Blue) 15. Complete this statement: "Political protestors should…" …be congratulated for their incredible bravery. (Blue) …move to Canadia if they don't like it here. (Red) 16. Complete this statement: "France is…" …a utopian center of world culture and philosophy. (Blue) …now known as "Freedom". (Red) 17. Could you forget about Poland? Yes (Blue) No (Red) 18. Could you forget about Dre? Yes (Red) No (Blue) 19. Which statement most closely approximates your views on Social Security? "We should bankrupt it as quickly as possible by shoveling money into re-election pork and interest groups." (Red) "We should put our heads between our knees and pray because it'll take a miracle to save this (*)(*)(*)(*)." (Blue) 20. Why are you applying for citizenship in the United States? I want to be rich (Red) I want to be free (Blue) 21. No, really, why are you applying for citizenship in the United States? To live off of handouts and spit out dozens of welfare babies so that I can lazily work a minimum wage job. (Blue) I'm a terrorist (Red) I initially thought this should go in the Humor section, but upon reading it again, decided (rather depressingly so) that it's...not.
__________________
What have you done for your people today? 
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