Indeed, this sort of puts birther-ism in perspective. Perhaps the fine sheriff of Maricopa County will tackle this one too.
As you all probably know by now, a group named Left Action is calling on Mitt Romney to prove that he is not a unicorn and is therefore eligible to run for president. Below, you will find startling facts about Romney’s origins, as well as an analysis of the very real dangers of having a unicorn in the White House.
How do we know Mitt Romney is a unicorn?
Many people believe he is a unicorn.
Many people say he is a unicorn.
I read on the internet that Mitt Romney is a unicorn.
The Man from Ulandia: The Unauthorized Biography of Mitt Romney, states that Mitt Romney is a unicorn. If it is in a book, it must be true.
Discover the mystery of Romney’s early years, his abrupt departure from Unilandia at the age of nine, and his painful attempts to fit in to a society that had no use for unicorns.
Why should you be concerned that Mitt Romney is a unicorn?
Unicorns are un-American.
Unicorns practice a weird religion that involves rainbows, puffy clouds, swirly pastels, and moonbeams.
The Constitution of the United States specifically prohibits unicorns from holding public office.
If a unicorn is president of the United States, our number one enemy, Unilandia, will soon dominate the world stage. While Unilandia has a small army in comparison to ours, their military complex boasts many horns. In fact, recent intelligence reveals that Unilandia has horns of mass destruction (HMD).
If we have a unicorn for president, back room deals with Unilandia will certainly lead to the loss of American jobs, particularly in the crucial areas of circus acts and stuffed animals.
A unicorn in the white house would lead to young people to engage in promiscuity.
Why does the state of Michigan claim that Mitt Romney was born a human child in Detroit?
Many Americans have been fooled by a 1947 birth announcement in a Detroit newspaper claiming that Mrs. Lenore Romney had given birth to a male child named Willard Mitt Romney at Harper Hospital. Like many unicorn parents of their day, the Romneys were engaging in a clever conspiracy, aided and abetted by the newspapers, the hospital staff, and the state of Michigan, to claim human citizenship for their infant unicorn. It bears mentioning that many people in positions of authority believe that Lenore was a spy from Unilandia; therefore, it must be true.
What is the real motive of the Unicorner movement?
To uncover the truth. People claim that the Unicorners are prejudiced against unicorns. The fact is, we have no issue with unicorns, as long as they do not cross our borders. Also, you are lying if you pretend that unicorns don’t creep you out. Have you ever seen a unicorn riding a unicycle? If so, you know it is a nightmarish image you will never forget. As one young woman said to a very reputable reporter recently: “Unicorns are like unicycles: weird and scary.”
Many men his age would kill for this hair. But does it hide a horn?
What can you do to keep a unicorn from becoming president?
Spread the word about Mitt Romney’s true birthplace to your friends and neighbors.
Sign the petition to have Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett prove that Mitt Romney is not a unicorn. We know that Bennett is up for the job, as he enthusiastically aided in the Birther investigation against President Obama. The good folks at LeftAction.com, who so bravely broke the unicorn story, have demanded scientific proof:
There has never been a conclusive DNA test proving that Mitt Romney is not a unicorn. We have never seen him without his hair — hair that could be covering up a horn.
Isn’t it your duty as an American to investigate these startling claims? If Romney wants to put the Unicorner controversy behind him once and for all, then clearly, he must shave his head.