DUE to the climate of political correctness now pervading America
> , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be
> referred to as
> "HILLBILLIES."
>
> You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
>
> And furthermore .
>
> HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>
> 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
> "BREASTED AMERICAN."
>
>
> 2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY
> APPRECIATIVE."
>
> 3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
>
> 4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR
> OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
>
>
> 5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
> COMPANION."
>
> 6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
>
> 7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" -
> She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
>
> 8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY
> ENHANCED."
>
> 9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
>
>
> 10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
>
>
> 11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is
> "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
>
> 12 She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
>
> HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND
> BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>
> 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID
> GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
>
> 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER"
> - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
>
> 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES
> ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
>
>
> 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
>
>
> 5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL
> DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
>
> 6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes
> "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
>
> 7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
> "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
>
> 8 He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
>
> 9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP
> CHALLENGED."
>
>
> 10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
>
>
> 11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's
> "REAR CLEAVAGE "
>
>
> Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so
> as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us.

__________________
There are only two things wrong with this great nation of ours, democrats and republicans!

Not necessarily in that order.

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Heard several variation, but I liked the one about the trucker who visits the whore house in Nevada!

The there is the lawyer, who brings the inheritance to the sister of a client.

__________________
There are only two things wrong with this great nation of ours, democrats and republicans!

Not necessarily in that order.

Dear Abby, I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like
he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how
wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls
me the 'B' word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up.
I've tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin
tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds. He quit his job a few
years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't
even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted
him about the affair. He denied it,of course, but everybody knew it. It
was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around. While we both want
to sell this house, we argue const antly about when to put it on the
market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband
wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while.
He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you
think he is planning to leave me?
Signed, Worried in NY

Dear Worried in NY:
I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.