WHY GOD DOESN'T HAVE A PhD:

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.

3. It has no references.

4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.

5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.

10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.

13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

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Man up.

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. ...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied: "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" asked Bill.

God said: "I'm going to leave it up to you."

Bill said: "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell...

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine" said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.

"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.

"Fine" retorted God, "as you desire".

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.

When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment: "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says: "That was the screen saver."

__________________
Darkness imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell

Land mine has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in hell

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

__________________
Darkness imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell

Land mine has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in hell

On a game show, where contestants can win up to million dollars, a man had gotten all the questions right the whole night, and was now up to the one million dollar question. If he got this one right, he would walk home a millionaire. If he got it wrong, he would go home with nothing.

The question was "What did Eve say to Adam in the garden of Eden".

The contestant spent 5 minutes fidgeting around, scratching his head, and rolling his eyes, before finally giving up, shrugging his shoulders, and telling the game show host "Gee, that's a hard one". It turned out to be the right answer, and the contestant went home a millionaire.

This not a joke but it was Funny

We are Catholic and when my youngest Son Shawn was in Confession he said Oh my God I am Hardly sorry for having offing thee. even the Preist starting Laughing

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Aint but three things in this world thats worth a solitary dime,
But old dogs and children and watermelon wine.
Tom T. Hall
http://www.obamatruth.org/