Tasteless Humor II The Second One.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."
Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor!"

 

True story.

 

Why does trump always look like he's giving a blow job? Maybe it was like my mother said, do something too much and you might get stuck that way.

 

Trump Aides Go Into Crisis Mode After President’s Errant Remarks Condemning White Supremacy

 

it's certainly reminiscent of pamela the cheap date dollie...
https://www.amazon.com/Pamela-Busty...blow+up+doll&qid=1565050334&s=gateway&sr=8-10

 

That reminds me... now where is that air pump...?

 

Fact: Blow-up sex dolls.. or perhaps just sex dolls....were invented for German soldiers during WWII. This was done to give them a source of sexual relief without the risk of sexually-transmitted diseases, which could be incapacitating or even lethal.

 

You know, the more I hear about the Nazis the less endearing I find them.

 

Yes, but from that we have the immortal words, she's a real doll!!!

 

Not a joke, but a funny Tweet.

So I’m @ the bank waiting in line & the guy in front of me is spitting game to the teller, she’s laughing & he’s attractive so I can tell she’s digging it, he asks her if he can take her out and she says “with what? The whole $11.96 you got in your account?”

 

Before I die I’m gonna swallow a whole bag of popcorn kernels.

My cremation is gonna be epic.

 

I hired a German plumber the other day to fix my shower.
He accidentally connected the gas supply to the water supply.
I guess old habits die hard.

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the Blue Wkds went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

 

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British authorities.

The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ACCOMPANY US.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

When Georgie Junior Bush was Pres, I was contacted by the local Republican Party and offered a seat at dinner with GW. I don't remember the exact amount but he said it would only be $1500 a plate, or something like that.

I laughed and said they would have to pay me a lot more than that!!!

The Republicans apparently assume that all successful business owners are Republicans. LOL! I had been until GHWB came along. He turned me into an Independent. And his kid was an idiot compared to him!

But I will say this for George Bush Jr. I hated him as President but he is a good man at heart. And so was his father. Can't say the same about trump.

 

Express Lane
My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

 

Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.

 

This one dates back to at least 1931. It's been fiction the whole time.

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/the-obstinate-lighthouse/

 

It is still very funny.

 

SUV BIRTHDAY PRESENT


Two old boys having a great laugh and talking.


One said to the other: "My 70th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing. Imagine, an SUV. What a great gift."

First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear, Viagra.