Tasteless Humor II The Second One.

THANK YOU for the LOL!

I did​

 

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by.
“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.
"Mary, you take the offices in the Center.
"Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.
"To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown."
The nurse was really impressed. She said, "Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you."

And the wife responded, "What property? ... the schmuck had a paper route!"

 

I said to my boss, 'We need to stop testing our products on animals".

He replied, "Why? Shampoo and make up companies do it all the time".

So I pointed out, "I know, but we make dildos."

 

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

 

No Chinese jokes indeed.
A tourist walks into a vase shop in Beijing looking for a gift to take home.
"How much for the small vase there?"
"$1"
Well with prices like that he goes for bigger and better.
"How about that one over there?"
"$1"
Wow!, he thinks, and goes for broke.
"How about that incredibly ornate, beautiful one there marked Ming Dynasty? "
"$1"
"How on earth can your business make a profit with everything priced $1?"
"So sorry. Not my business. Owner upstairs ****ing my wife, I downstairs ****ing his business."

 

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.

When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now.

The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian."

The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian."

God's voice booms down "that's funny…"

 

President Trump is sleeping one night
President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goes back to sleep. He is woken up a short time later by the ghost of Franklin Roosevelt sitting at the foot of his bed. "Frankie, my boy, what can I do to be a better president?' FDR thinks a moment and says, 'You have to put the people first.' Once again Trump doesn't like this answer, yells for security, and FDR disappears. Trump is once again awakened by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln at the foot of his bed. "Abe, my boy, how can I be a better president?' Abe thinks for a moment and responds, 'Go to the theater more.'

 

Dogs: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...they must be gods"
Cats: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...I must be a god."

 

^ Truth!

 

1. When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
2. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
3. What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
4. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
5. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
6. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
7. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
8. I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
9. Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
10. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

 

Do you know what I don't like about cats? They wake up from a nap, walk into your line of sight, and then start a stretch so luxurious from their claws going in and out, back arched and tail switched that everyone of your aches and pains just seem to intensify because you couldn't possibly match that.

They do it on purpose.

 

What I don't like about them is the taste.

 

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

 

I hate giving them baths. It takes a week to get the hair out of my mouth.

 

I volunteered for camping on the couch but had to move into my office to have a sex life. Can't masturbate on the couch with a bear around.

 

They taste like rabbit which is why
rabbit must be sold with the paws so you
can quickly witness it isn't cat.

Rabbit tastes like "sweet" chicken
and was sold in supermarkets when I was a kid.

 

MMMMMM, Lapin Dijonais. Rabbit baked in brown Dijon mustard with plenty of garlic. Drippings made into a creamy mustard garlic sauce. Served over broccoli almondine rice with rye dinner rolls.

 

Cat can substitute in a shortage of rabbit.

 

Too stringy and tough. Kittens on the other hand...

 

Being American is like being a rock star.
Look, even the penal colony knows who Trump is, yet Without the help of google I couldn’t name one political figure of or famous person from Australia. I could point to your island on a globe and recognize your flag in a line up but that’s about all.