The story is based on several ones I read on Reddit. The husband is Bob, the wife is Alice. Initially they had active sex life. Then Alice got a very serious illness, which entailed major medical expenses. Bob continued working 40 hours a week. He was also doing most household chores and helping Alice. Alice could walk, but not do much. Alice lost interest in sex 100%. After about half a year Bob made it clear in no uncertain terms that he is considering divorce. Alice decided to have regular intimacy with Bob in order to prevent him from leaving. Many Redditors view Bob as a sex offender.
Did Bob say that he would divorce Alice if she didn't have sex with him? If so then given the circumstances Bob is sexually assaulting Alice because she is in a position where she can't give consent.
I am not sure if it was explicit or implied. Definitely, the aforementioned situation happens thousands of times with thousands of couples. What should/could Bob have done?
Talk to Alice about the role sex plays in their lives. And if sex really matters to him, then they have to find a way to make it work. Bob might have sex with a third person but still be married to Alice. Bob is well within his right to have a divorce if that’s the issue. But threatening Alice with divorce unless she has sex with him is sexual assault. So it does beg the question of whether the threat of divorce was actually a threat or something Bob meant sincerely
There are thousands of couples undergoing these issues every year. Thus, in some cases a threat may be sincere, in other cases not so.
It sounds like Alice chose to have sex with the guy. It sounds like Bob respected her enough to let her know that he couldn’t honour the marriage arrangement any longer. Legally it’s not sexual assault. Emotionally it really comes down to how it is presented and how it is received.
Let's reverse the roles Bob loses his sex drive 100% and his wife wants to divorce him over it? Is Bob being sexually exploited?
People often use the frequency of sexual interaction as a barometer of marital health. I think Bob is being a realist, without the sexual interaction the marriage is going to dry up like an unwatered plant.
Alice chose to have sex in exchange for Bob's continuing assistance. While Bob is a scumpuppy for demanding sex, Alice did have a choice. I actually apply the same basis to a number of women who claim they were 'forced' to have sex in order to keep their job. While the person demanding the sex is a scumpuppy, the woman made a choice. The 'right' action IMO would be to tell the person to stuff it, and then sue them. Once a person accepts the demand, they've made a choice that their job is more important then their morals and ethics.
Thank you. I guess most people on Reddit are Progressive. That is not a coincidence -- Reddit now bans non-Progressive people.
I believe the rules state that the OP must include some type of personal opinion to kickstart the discussion. Are you of the opinion that Bob's behavior is "sexual assault" or is not?
I do not think it is. This kind of problem is not hypothetical -- it happens in tens of thousands of couples.
I believe that many people would agree with that opinion. Personally, I do not believe that it's okay for someone to say they were raped solely because they have regrets about having consensual sex with another person (assuming they are not a minor and can't give that consent). Many black and brown people have been killed or incarcerated for no other reason than a white female claims that she was raped. Further, unless Alice took steps to remove herself from that situation (if she truly felt threatened and/or violated) she became complicit in whatever sexual (or other) crimes Bob committed and can't rewrite history just because.
Many redditors are morons. When Bob told Alice that he needs sex in the marriage for it to work, Alice had the choice to leave the marriage. She made the choice to stay. Now if at some point Alice says no and Bob forces himself on her, that's different. If Alice no longer wants to have sex, even if she doesn't enjoy it, she needs to tell Bob and they can decide where to go from there.
I think you pose an interesting question that full into the areas of grey. If we remove any of the details and just consider if coercion is sexual assault it may help. Let's consider this simple statement which we can apply this case too. You need to have sex with me, I am your <BLANK 1>, or else I will do this action, <BLANK 2>, that will have a negative affect on your life. Lets start off easy. Case 1: BLANK #1 Abductor, BLANK #2 Kill You. I am sure everyone will agree this is sexual assault. Case 2: BLANK #1 is a manager, and BLANK #2 is promotion. I think this is pretty straight forward but many boomers would argue this was just standard business practice back I the good old days. Case 3: BLANK #1 is the wife, BLANK #2 tell him where she hid his PS5. Hmmm... Is this sexual assault. I don't think so but maybe so do. Case 4: BLANK #1 Customer of prostitute. BLANK #2 Cash. Seems to be standard prostitution case. Some people don't like it others don't. So I think for your example BLANK #1 is the husband. BLANK #2 is divorce. I think this is a tough one. She has medical issues that make it difficult for her to work. It sounds like they are not wealthy. She seems to be extremely dependent on the husband for at minimum her quality of life if not survival. Is it sexual assault? If she was able to work or was wealthy and had a good support system would she leave him because he demanded sex? I would be interested to know if the husband left her what the divorce settlement would be? Do they own the home? Would he have to pay alimony to support her?
There are many situations in which parameters may vary. Couple conflict over sex is not rare. Several such situations were discussed on Reddit -- the husbands got a lot of flack. What should he have done?
It’s the same as any situation in which one spouse may want to end a marriage. Maybe someone wants to end the marriage because the other person drinks too much or works too much. Letting someone know your boundaries is not abusive. That being said, people are all too quick to end marriages.
What a terrible attitude to marriage. Sex is just one aspect of a lifetime together. It has its time and place, and over the great span of time (assuming both live well into old age), it's probably only in the first half of the marriage. Eventually age and illnesses etc catch up with all of us, and sex won't be a factor. Intimacy will, but not sex. If you can't survive that era, what's the point of any of it? Just have a series of sexual relationships, since you don't want the other stuff.
