Tasteless Humor

Heathen burn her, she's a witch!

Everyone knows Roger Moore is the best Bond!


Moonraker is based on a true story as we all know

 

I went to work at a light bulb factory, but I'm not that bright.
I suck so much, I guess I should sell vacuums.

 

Vacuum cleaner for sale $100, as it's just collecting dust.

 

I worked as a toilet cleaner
.
.
.
But it was a crap job

 

I had an Ex who could do this

 

I've just downloaded the new Queen film off the internet, but I think it was filmed in the cinema.

Because I see a little silhouette of a man.

 

You shouldn't have let her eat rats!

 

Haha.

 

HOLY PROSTITUTES
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
'What may we do for you! My son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

 

Cadbury are being sued for plagiarism by the Glasgow pub landlords association for copying their slogan: There's a glass and a half in everyone.

 

Some years ago, I went to Glasgow to see a mate who had recently moved there. We decided to pop into Glasgow to a pub, not realising the area we went to was not very savoury. The tables were screwed down to the floor, no chairs and the beer glasses were plastic. One swift pint and we got out of there !!

 

I thought I was gender fluid but it turned out to mean something different to what I thought it did

 

So I tried to be a paralegal, but I couldn't make myself jump.
So I became a cosmotologist, but I couldn't handle the weightlessness.

 

It was me or the rat....

 

Whats the point of having all those teeth if youre not even going to chew your food.

 

Exactly!

 

Why is Frankenstein a dickhead?

Because his nuts are in his neck.

 

I spit on your grave not as funny as I remember it....

 

At the local Hindu corner store, I ended up spending an hour talking to the statue of Ganesh that they keep on the counter.
.
.
.
And I had only popped in for a bit of idol chatter.

 

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.



Best part of the film is the midgets tossing

 

It's been a big year for me. First a child, then a puppy and then a kitten.
.
.
.
I've become very experimental with my sexuality...

 

A young man from one of those big cities in the NW, decides to go too Alaska on a backpacking trip.
He's there several days enjoying the sights, how clean the air is, when he runs into a bear.
Now he doesn't have a gun, doesn't believe in them, so he turns and runs. The bear runs after him, in less than 300 yards the bear is nearly upon him, he looks back and trips and falls He roolls over and the bear is above him with it's paw raised ready to strike.
He throws his arms up over his head and says "oh God"!
Seconds go by and nothing happens...he looks up and the bear is frozen.
The he hears a voice in his head, "you have not believed in me for years. You have even convinced other people that I don't exist. And now you want my help."
The guy says "yeah that is kind of hypocritical of me. So God, maybe you could turn the bear into a Christian."
God laughs and says "very well "
Time restarts, the bear sits back on its haunches, front paws go together as if in prayer, "Dear Lord, for this food we are about to receive, may we be truly thankful, amen"

 

Hovember was ok, but Crabcember is nowhere near as much fun.