Puntastic!

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

 

Then he prayed to Dog for forgiveness.

 

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

 

The other day my husband said that he felt Orion's Belt was a waist of space.

I only gave him three stars for the bad pun.

 

Trump was asked if he believes in free will. "Everyone should pay for it. No more handouts!" he exclaimed.

 

Watching the talking heads on TV news makes me nervous. They're all looking at me!

 

A thief broke into a police station and stole all the toilets

Police said they had nothing to go on

 

Tillerson called Trump a moron.

LOL! Now that's funny!

 

There is a kinky new fad sweeping the nation: Alphabet bondage.

It will leave you spellbound.

 

The jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.
His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

 

That joke doesn't translate? Hampered?

I wish you Brits would learn to speak English.

 

I went to the doctor today. My appointment was at 3. I didn't get in until 3:30. So I sent him a bill for 30 minutes of my time.

[a friend actually did this]

 

Gave my cat a bath.

It'll take a week to get all of the hair off of my tongue.

 

Like a pick a nick basket and
-
verb: hamper; 3rd person present: hampers; past tense: hampered; past participle: hampered; gerund or present participle: hampering

1. 1.
   hinder or impede the movement or progress of.
   "their work is hampered by lack of funds"
   synonyms: hinder, obstruct, impede, inhibit, retard, baulk, thwart, foil, curb, delay, set back, slow down, hold back, hold up, interfere with; More
   restrict, restrain, constrain, block, check, curtail, frustrate, cramp, bridle, handicap, cripple, hamstring, shackle, fetter, encumber;
   informalstymie;
   informalthrow a spanner in the works of;
   informalbork, throw a monkey wrench in the works of;
   rarecumber, trammel
   "an attempt to hamper the investigations"
   antonyms: help

 

did the dr pay?

 

Try that again?

We have no such custom here. We don't do pudding.

 

I was quoting Yogi Bear. Don't get the pudding reference.

 

"he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding"

Oh well. It's like my physics jokes. I tell the joke and then offer a class afterwards to explain the joke.

 

It was actually for something more like two hours. I remember him billing the doctor for $100 a hour. And no, he never paid. But it was funny.

 

Sorry , I missed that. Gotcha now.

 

My sister in law ( radiologist) tried that one with the power company after they missed several appointments to read her inaccessible meter and she didn't win either.

 

We don't have meter readers here.

We use yard readers.

 

Haha!