Puntastic!

I believe in the right to bare arms.

I also believe in the right to bare breasts.

 

Gawd 'elpus.
What about bear arms? Grizzly, polar, etc.

 

One day (just before Christmas, probably), Good King Wenceslas decided that he was fed up with the food at the palace, so he phoned up his local Italian restaurant for a takeaway pizza.
"Certainly, your Majesty" says the Manager, "Would you like your usual"?
"Yes please," replied the King, "same as always - deep pan, crisp and even"

 

With Rex Tillerson leaving and so many gone already, Trump is having a hard time finding qualified candidates for his cabinet. As a result he is now using Russian temp agencies to find replacements.

 

I just drove in from Austin. Boy, are my wheels tired.

 

I once had a friend who was a renowned clinical psycologist. He used to tell me about all the patients he had seen. One of the most interesting cases he told me about involved a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder.At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW II.
The concensus of the practitioners was that the poor fellow didn't know if he was Carmen or Goerring...

 

Ivana: I'm really the first lady!
Melania: No, I'm the first lady!
Donald: You're both wrong! Ivanka is the first lady!!!

 

Melania: I do things to help children. You're just selling a book!
Ivana: I had him first! He still listens to me! You're just wallpaper!!!
Ivanka: If I cry, daddy does anything I want. I win.

 

Jared almost qualified as first lady until the FBI came after him.

 

Trump slammed Harvey Weinstein today for his reported groping of women. "You don't waste time grabbing their boobs!" he exclaimed.

 

Little Marco
Little Bob Corker

It seems that when Trump picks his men, size matters.

 

I was looking at new search engines. Should I go with gas or diesel?/

 

The meaning of opaque is unclear.

 

I saw a terrible accident today. Four people were killed; two seriously.

 

I saw a young couple watching a baseball game. They seemed to be quite in love but must have been rooting for opposite teams.

He was kissing her on the strikes and she was kissing him on the balls.

 

I remember when they came out with nuclear Visine. I kept hearing the ads but couldn't figure out why they wanted radioisotopes in eye drops! So then I looked at a box.


Oh! New Clear Visine. Never mind.

PS. True

 

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

 

What a heel. The man obviously has no sole. Check your tongue for swelling.

 

Well that's a step in the right direction, unless he does a runner.

 

How do you throw a space party?

You planet.

 

So why the specific Christmas foods?

 

I just can't see the humor in this....

 

Christmas hamper?

 

I had a crazy dream last night. I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

 

When Trump heard that Putin is incontinent, he responded "If he's in the country then he should come by for a game of golf!"