Tasteless Humor 3, Lord How Many More?

1. 
   What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? One’s the coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis.

 

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

 

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing when his approach speed was just a little too fast. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.

 

Watch a NASA astronaut show off the space station’s new toilet

Only in 2020 would that be in the news.

 

Pinocchio goes to Geppetto for relationship advice
"Father?" Pinocchio asks. "I have a bit of a... sensitive issue. I've been talking with my girlfriend, and we want to start... making love. Only, she's worried about getting splinters, um... *down there*. Geppetto chuckles, but offers his woodworking advice. "This is nothing some simple sand paper can't resolve. Start with coarse, like 100 grit, working with the grain. move to 200, then 400... until when you lightly drag a silk cloth over it, it doesn't catch on anything."

A week later Geppetto asks Pinocchio about his "problem." Pinocchio says "the 100 was a bit rough, I needed to give it a few days to recover. The 200 worked well, but I was still tender. I managed 400 and even 600 grit in the same day, with a few hours between." Geppetto asks "and what happened when you gently pulled the silk cloth over it" Pinocchio: "I called my girlfriend and broke up with her."

 

THE TRUCK STOP:

This guy goes into truck stop diner, and a homely waitress approaches him with her thumb in her mouth.

"thur, can I thake your order," she mumbles.

"Yes, I'll have the soup of the day, the blue plate special, and hot apple pie for dessert," says the guy.

When the waitress returns with the soup, he notices her thumb is dipped into it. He's annoyed, but doesn't want to make a big deal out of it, after all what can you expect from a truck stop.

When the waitress returns to the table, this time her thumb is jammed deeply into his mash potatoes. He is getting angrier, but still decides not to say anything.

Next the waitress come back with dessert. He notices that her thumb is deeply embedded into the filling of his hot apple pie. His temper had reached the boiling point, and he could no longer contain himself. "What the hell is wrong with you lady, why can't you keep your f***ing fingers out of my f-in food," he yells out!

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," says the waitress, "I was hoping you wouldn't notice." "You see I sprained my thumb, and the doctor told me I need to keep it warm... I can't afford to take time off work... I'm afraid they'll fire me."

Untouched by her excuse the man tells her, "I don't give a damn about your f-in thumb, for all I care you can stick it up your ass!"

The waitress surprised by his lack of sympathy replies, "that's exactly how I keep it warm in the kitchen while waiting for your f-in food!"

 

I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know... look around, listen to the radio.

 

Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the church.
Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Southern Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.

 

A Roman senator comes into the senate house fifteen minutes late one day, and Cicero is already speaking. The senator sneaks in as quietly as possible, gets an aisle seat near the back, and whispers to the guy next to him, "What's he talking about?"

The other senator replies, "I don't know, he hasn't gotten to the verb."

 

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer’s soul the preacher asked the man, “Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?” Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, “Naw, these are soybeans.” “You don’t understand,” said the preacher. “Are you a Christian?” With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, “Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.” The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, “Are you lost?” “Naw! I’ve lived here all my life,” answered the farmer. “Are you prepared for the resurrection?” the frustrated preacher asked. This caught the farmer’s attention and he asked, “When’s it gonna be?” Thinking he had accomplished somet hing the young preacher replied, “It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day.” Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, “Well, don’t mention it to my wife. She don’t get out much and she ll wanna go all three days.”

 

A woman called 911, very upset. "Please send an ambulance! I think my husband is dying!" The ambulance arrives, but the poor fellow doesn't make it.

The EMT thought that it looked like the man had been beaten to death, so he called the sheriff. The sheriff arrived at the scene, assessed the situation, and read the woman her rights.

"Now, even though you're not required to talk to me at this time, I do have some questions," the sheriff said. "You can choose not to answer them until you get a lawyer, and you can stop answering questions whenever you want."

"I understand sheriff. Go ahead and ask your questions."

"Thank you, ma'am. Now, it looks like your husband was beaten to death. Did you kill him?"

The woman was visibly distraught. "It was an accident! I didn't think I hit him that hard! But I guess I must have hit him harder than I thought on account of how angry he made me."

"Why were you angry?"

"He called me a two-bit whore!"

"That was a bad thing he said," the sheriff agreed in a sympathetic tone. "What did you hit him with?"

"A bag of quarters."

 

You left out the punchline...

“How many people is a brazillion?"

 

Thank you. I lost sleep last night over this.

 

Bugger! Didn’t notice.

 

I just assumed it was an Aussie thing.

 

I’m not that subtle. Other Aussies may be though.

 

David is telling a new joke to Yossi.
"Yitzhak and Hymie were talking one day..."
Right away, Yossi interrupts him. "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once will you David!"
So David starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah...."

 

A Swiss tourist in Tel Aviv is looking for directions and pulls up at a bus stop where two Israelis are waiting. Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.
The two Israelis just stare at him.
“Excusey-moi, parlez vous Francais?”
The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?”
No response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
Still nothing.
The Swiss tourist drives off, extremely disgusted and frustrated. The first Israeli turns to his friend and says, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language”
“Why?” says his friend, “that guy knew four languages and that didn’t do him any good!”

 

What’s the definition of a Russian string quartet? A Soviet orchestra back from a US tour.

 

The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 Euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million Euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow


b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,


d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,

''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple, it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"


"Because, ya damn fool, he lives in a Fookin clock!"

 

TOOLS EXPLAINED
DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
Son of a bitch TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

How do you start a fairy tale in the modern era?
"If elected, I promise..."

 

A British woman was touring the United States, and decided to go to a baseball game
She didn't understand the rules, but figured she could learn them by watching everyone else.

In the first inning, a batter hit a grounder and started running to first base. The man seated next to the woman jumped to his feet and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"

A couple of innings later, another batter hit a grounder and started running to first. Sure enough, the man seated next to the woman jumped to his feet and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"

The next batter drew a walk, and started trotting toward first. The woman jumped up and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"

The man next to her said, "Lady, he doesn't have to run. He's got four balls."

The woman shouted, "Walk, then. But walk with pride!"