Tasteless Humor 3, Lord How Many More?

Discussion in 'Humor & Satire' started by Moi621, Apr 14, 2020.

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  1. Derideo_Te

    Derideo_Te Well-Known Member

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    Wife comes home and discovers that her husband is a crossdresser so she tells him she wants a divorce.

    He packs up her clothes and leaves.
     
  2. The Rhetoric of Life

    The Rhetoric of Life Banned

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  3. The Rhetoric of Life

    The Rhetoric of Life Banned

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  4. Montegriffo

    Montegriffo Well-Known Member

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    The woman crushed to death during the Capitol riots was photographed earlier carrying a ''don't tread on me'' banner.
    [​IMG]
    Alana Morrissette is currently writing a new line for one of her top hits.
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2021
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  5. Melb_muser

    Melb_muser Well-Known Member Donor

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  6. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.


    Colonoscopy Journal:
    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.


    At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

    'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

    On the subject of Colonoscopies...
    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

    1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

    2. 'Find AmeliaEarhart yet?'

    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

    5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

    6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

    12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'

    And the best one of all:

    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
     
  7. Dr.Phibes

    Dr.Phibes Newly Registered

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  8. Montegriffo

    Montegriffo Well-Known Member

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    You won't last long around here if you keep posting memes like this.
     
  9. Dr.Phibes

    Dr.Phibes Newly Registered

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  10. Dr.Phibes

    Dr.Phibes Newly Registered

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    They want tasteless? I got 'em as tasteless as they come!
    :banana::banana::cheerleader::banana::banana:
     
  11. Melb_muser

    Melb_muser Well-Known Member Donor

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  12. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    An old man dies and goes to heaven...
    [​IMG]
    He's standing there, knocking on the pearly gates, but unfortunately for him St Peter's on his lunch break. However, it just so happens that after a little while Jesus passes by. Being the helpful sort, he goes up to the gates and asks if he can help.

    "Yes," says the old man, "I've just died and I was hoping to see my son, who died before me."

    "I'll see what I can do." says Jesus. "Can I ask your name?"

    "Oh, it's Joseph." replies the old man.

    "OK, and what's your occupation?"

    "Oh, I'm a carpenter."

    Jesus thinks about this for a moment. "In that case... does your son have any distinguishing features?"

    "Yes, it's very odd, he's got holes in his hands and holes in his feet, you can't miss 'em!"

    "I knew it!" cries Jesus, flinging wide the gates. "Father, it's me!"

    The old man rushes forward in rapturous happiness, crying "My son! Pinocchio!"
     
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  13. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
     
  14. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    1FE7AE40-3363-46E3-B8E7-9C1020E65B77.jpeg
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2021
  15. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    As I get older I find myself appreciating youthful memories more.
    Some cynical people tell me acid flashbacks don't count.
     
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  16. Moi621

    Moi621 Well-Known Member Past Donor

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  17. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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  18. Moi621

    Moi621 Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Yet true!



    Ref.: Michelle Obama
    a disaster for public school menus
    But, Michelle could always get her Snickers
    Poor Barry / Barack had a tough time finding a place to enjoy a smoke
    [​IMG]
     
  19. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    There are probably many fat kids who’d benefit from her school menu.
    I feel for smokers. Hard to give up and the yearning stays around for years.
     
  20. Aleksander Ulyanov

    Aleksander Ulyanov Well-Known Member

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    No, no it doesn't. 6 months max. and not even that really. Once an hour for a day. Once a day for a week. Once a week for a month, once a month for a year, and never again after that. I used to promise myself that I would take it up again when I reached 70 but now that I'm 72 I feel no desire at all to pay $7 a pack to kill myself.
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2021
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  21. Derideo_Te

    Derideo_Te Well-Known Member

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    Nicotine cravings impact people differently.

    For me it was two years before the nightmares about becoming readdicted ended. Back then smoking was commonplace so it was impossible to not be exposed to 2nd hand smoke which made is much more difficult to stop.

    Been almost 40 years now and I have zero intention of giving up my independence to some multinational corporate drug dealer.
     
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  22. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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  23. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    I gave up fourteen years ago and still feel the need when I catch a whiff of a cigarette.
    The few times I’ve had a drag from a cigarette, I’ve dry retched so I know it wouldn’t be easy to start again. Plus, cigarettes cost $35 for a pack of twenty.
     
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  24. Jackc

    Jackc Member

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    Over the course of 49 years, two heart attacks and a TIA. I finally quit. I quit the day my daughter told me she was pregnant and wouldn't bring her baby into a smokers house. I had quit cold turkey many, many times. I tried the gum, enough patches to make a Goodyear blimp and Chantix,,three times. That did it, 4 hours later I was a non-smoker. Oct 28, 2013@ 2 pm. At that time a pack was almost $10 a pack. I have no urge to go back.
     
  25. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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