Tasteless Humor

Boston Legal the other night - Denny (who's forever trying to temp her into bed) was comforting Shirley, who was very upset about her estrangement from Karl Sak:

Denny: 'I'm here for you, Shirley - let me fill your void.'
Shirley: (firmly) 'You stay away from my void!'

 

She worried a lot.

 

That and the cocaine.

 

She was bipolar too wasn't she?

 

Yep, postcards from the edge is a good book I recommend!

 

My 3 year old daughter is glued to the TV.
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I've also superglued the dog to the ceiling fan. It's ****ing hilarious!

 

Apparently every woman is bi.
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It just takes time to figure out if it's sexual or polar.

 

If I go on this site using my Nokia 8 phone, the predictive text does my head in. "Carrier"? Stupid phone.

 

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't
mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's
pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round
this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids
the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could
be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey
Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .
"What the f ** k would they want with a plasterer??!"

 

My best friend wrote Space Impact!

 

Historic face transplant gives suicide survivor a 'reason to try again'

https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/14/health/face-transplant-suicide-attempt-natgeo-profile/index.html

/I may have altered the headline just a little
//tasteless humor..

 

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose.



Full.

 

This is AMAZING!!!!!!!!

 

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home.
All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian nursing home.After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
“How do you like it here?” asked the grandson
“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,” said grandpa.
“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone.”
“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,” Abdullah said with a big smile.
“There’s a musician here – he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!
There is a judge in here – he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!
There’s a dentist here – 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!
And Me – I haven’t had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The F**king Arab.

 

My neighbour is bloody inconsiderate, banging on my door at 3am like that.
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Luckily, I was still up playing my bagpipes

 

My holiday home has just been burnt down by Welsh Nationalists.
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It came as a bit of surprise really as its in Thailand.

 

If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.

 

Today the Catholic Church announced that from now on, all priests will be eunuchs.

 

You are about three times as likely to kill yourself than to be killed by someone else. And heart disease is the number one killer

So after you put on your seat belt, be happy and eat kale.

 

I changed my signature from "Lock her up" to wear a seat belt BECAUSE of the why we do stuff thread you wrote lol.

 

I looked at the credit card statement, then I looked up at my wife, and then I glared at the statement again. Thousands spent frivolously on dresses, handbags, and shoes...
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She mustn't find out.