Icy wall on the writing. (From now on, whenever you read about "I see the writing on the wall," you will remember this.... and groan. I hope. When you do, please slap your forehead, just for me.)
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home. Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands. A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!" The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me. Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
I was in the pub last night and I bumped into an old school pal, Dave. I was shocked to find that he suffered an accident a number of years ago which resulted him being blind. Me, "Must be dreadful being blind, not being able to do much". Dave, "Quite the opposite, I go skydiving" Me, "So how do you know when to jump?" Dave, "Easy, the guy behind me taps me on the shoulder" Me, "So how do you know when to do the chute?" Dave, "Easy, I count 1000, 2000, 3000 and then pull the cord" Me, "Oh I see. But how do you know when to tuck your legs in to land and roll?" Dave, "Very easy, I just wait for the lead to go slack"
Ok it is nearing Christmas so I suppose I can tell this one Every year they award the prize for the best rain reports to a Russian communist Meteorologist And that is because everyone knows “Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!”
My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona... he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor. We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed. Nobody expected the Spanish Inn Physician
When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't" What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well. I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming. Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired! Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
Did you hear about the fiasco surrounding the reward for the prettiest cat butt? It was a huge cat ass trophy.
My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort. Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it. When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream? As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path. And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.
