What nationality are you? Are there clues you give in avatar/username or signature?

But... but... Count Almaviva seemed to have this right, as depicted in The Marriage of Figaro, no? And a Duke is higher than a Count. So why can't I have it? That is messed up, man! You misled me into a useless purchase in case I can't have this privilege! If they don't give me a refund, please send me 600 sterling pounds because it's your fault.

Or, I could settle instead for a lifetime weekly supply of your pies, sent to me in a nice cold chain box with dry ice.

 

I don't know what those savages in Seville did but here in England it was only the King.
Be warned though, Sealand is a pretty small nation, the choice of totty just getting married amongst the citizenship may not be particularly large or of a high quality.

 

OK, this is looking worse by the minute, so, yes, you need to compensate me. Get me the pies. Please, for shipping, use Principality of Sealand stamps. Mark it PIES with big letters so that people don't think the cold chain box contains Covid-19 vaccines! (Anti-vaxxers might destroy the box). Better yet, if you say KIDNEY PIES, a truly disgusting concoction you Brits seem to enjoy, nobody will mess with the box.

 

Steak and kidney is a fine delicacy that many uncouth foreigners just don't have the sophisticated palate needed to enjoy.
Have no fear, I'll customise your pies to suit your national cuisine.
Cheeseburger and fries pie, meatloaf in maple syrup that kind of thing.

 

Family been here, the U.S. since 1652. Came here via Scotland and before that Brittany

 

I'm an Ossie. I live in upsidedownland. Though there's a poster here who will swear I'm American pretending to be Australian .. which is pretty funny.

 

True at the time he said it.

 

Hm, OK, but I'm not an uncouth American. First of all, I'm also Italian as you know, so I'm a fellow European.

I do deplore my fellow Americans' view of what they call Italian cuisine:

In Italy we do eat meatballs but not with spaghetti. We don't eat Chicken Fettucine Alfredo (just saying it feels wrong!). Pasta should never have meat in it (at most, seafood, or pancetta for Carbonara). Pasta is to be enjoyed in its simple glory. Carbonara sauce doesn't take cream or butter like Martha Steward would make you believe (instead, it's pancetta, eggs, a little olive oil, salt and pepper). We don't eat Chicken Parmigiana. We use eggplants for that. We don't dip bread in Marinara sauce. We use olive oil for that. We don't put tones of garlic in everything. That should be reserved to keep out vampires in Transylvania but we don't have vampires in Italy. Good pizza has fior di latte, basil, and tomato sauce on a thin crust with a slightly burnt rim, period. What Americans call pizza is just wrong. Dip dish Chicago pizza??? California pizza with pineapples??? God forbid, no pineapples on pizza; that's sheer heresy! I shudder. Oh, and we only drink cappuccino for breakfast. Americans seem to drink it all day long, which is nauseating. Get an espresso instead, dammit! By the way, if you walk into a coffee shop in Italy and ask for latte, what you'll get is a cup of milk, no coffee. It always brings a smile to my lips when I see American tourists in Italy making this mistake, and then they look at their glass of milk, and wonder, where is the coffee??? If you want milk in your coffee, you need to ask for a macchiato. LOL.

And maple syrup, sorry, you have your geography wrong. That's a bit to the north, in that big icy country north of our border (they are kind of bland and try to copy us a lot, but maple syrup is indeed one of their creations, which I abhor).

The bottom line is, send me your beef pies but please no urine-smelling kidney bits in it! You guys eat urine and you call us uncouth???

 

I've got a lot to learn about genuine Italian food.
For example, I wouldn't put cream or butter in carbonara but I would use lots of parmesan cheese and a bit of fresh parsley. Is that wrong?
If it helps, a lot of Brits won't eat kidneys either. Liver is a bit more popular, lightly cooked with bacon and a rich gravy.
I haven't eaten meat since I was 19 but I did like both liver and kidneys but they have to be cooked properly. Far to often they are over cooked which makes them very dry and tough.
I still enjoy cooking meat and I always taste my sauces veggie or not.
If I ever did get the opportunity to cook for you I'd probably make venison pie with port and redcurrant or maybe a chicken and wild mushroom in white wine and cream pie. The second is a fusion of British and French so not really traditional.
Oh and I love pineapple on a pizza, sorry if it offends you but I think the only rule really at the end of the day should be does it taste nice?

 

OK, I said no meat in your past, but I guess I'll make an exception for the classic Bolognese ragù.

 

Oh, and you're not going to like this, but there's a reasonably good argument that pizza as we know it was invented in America as pizza in Italy was originally a bread dough base with cheese but no tomato. The Americans being the ones who first added tomato.
No, don't have a stroke or put me on ignore I said it was a reasonable argument but I don't really believe it myself.

 

While the simpler, the better, parmesan and parsley would be less upsetting than cream or butter.

Hm... it doesn't taste nice. Do you want a pizza, or dessert? Pineapple on pizza is as cloying as maple syrup.

 

[Centerfield has a stroke][With Centerfield's last still functioning brain cells after the stroke, Centerfield shakily reaches for the mouse and somehow manages to put Montegriffo on ignore before dying of the massive stroke. Farewell, cruel world!]

 

That was my father's argument against mixing fruit and savoury dishes too.
He had no objection to roast pork with apple sauce or cranberry sauce with turkey though and I'd like to add duck a l'orange and venison with redcurrant to the long list of exceptions.

 

But these other dishes are not pizza!
Don't mess with my pizza, man!
It's sacred.

 

@Montegriffo:

This is pizza:



This is some sort of weird pastry:

 

Hey, no one is forcing you to eat it but don't deprive me of one of my favourite toppings. I promise I'll never call it an Italian pizza. I'll call it a Hawaiian hold the ham despite the fact it was invented by a Greek immigrant to Canada.

 

We have a pizza restaurant in the nearby town of Beccles. The owner is one of the few people in this country that has been to Italy to study pizza and become certified as a genuine pizza chef. The pizza is cooked in an oak fired oven right in front of you. He has his flour and tomato paste imported direct from Italy and only uses the best ingredients for the traditional toppings.
I did not ask him for pineapple on my pizza. Pretty sure he'd have thrown me out and banned me for life if I had.

 

Still is
Cecil Rhodes on the other hand was a pretty despicable character whom I'd like to disassociate myself from, English or not.

 

Right. No Italian ever got close to this weird pastry. Greece, Canada, Hawaii, California...
As long as you don't call it pizza, I'm fine with it. Save a slice for me, I'll have this strange pastry as dessert after I eat my gorgeous Margherita authentic Neapolitan pizza!

 

He sure would have, and deservedly so!

 

Is this the one?
http://www.oakfired.co.uk/
From the pictures, it looks absolutely legit. Certified by the Associazione Verace Pizza Napoletana.
That's what I'm talking about! Real pizza! No pineapple, nowhere to be seen! Bravissimo!
Here, a picture of their Margherita, exactly right!

Send the chef my compliments! If I ever visit your corner of the world, I'll be sure to eat there, and I won't tell the chef that you like pineapple on your pizza (I'll blackmail you with this piece of information unless the beef-yes-kidney-no pies arrive weekly to my home).

 

I have been there and camped in the forest. A wild pig woke me up and I ended up sleeping on the top of my Mercedes. Two of my friends slept inside the car.

 

@Montegriffo I explored the menu from that restaurant. Very legitimate AVPN pizza. Great ingredients for the house creations. No pineapple. Wine list has interesting grapes like Sangiovese, Nero d'Avola and Primitivo, three of my favorite Italian grapes.

Two little problems, though (yes, I'm very perfectionistic; you might say pedantic, but I'm serious about Italian cuisine): One, he says Buffalo Mozzarella. Well, it's Mozzarella di Bufala. Notice the "a" at the end and the different spelling. The "a" is there for an obvious reason: the male of the species doesn't produce milk, LOL. I guess in English we do say Buffalo Mozzarella but his menu does say Fior di Latte instead of saying it in English, Milk Flower, so he should have kept the authentic Italian denomination and should have called the cheese, Mozzarella di Bufala. Two, he serves spaghetti with meatballs! The horror! Otherwise, all good, including, using San Marzano tomatoes, which of course are the only acceptable ones for authentic Neapolitan pizza.