GalileoSmith

About me, huh? Okay, let's start when I was a kid back in '56 in Columbus, Ohio.

When I was five years old I ran into this kid named Flattop Muldoon. That was back in '56. The guy was called Flattop because he was born on an aircraft carrier. Anyhow, he asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said, "a helluva lot bigger". Flattop shook his head and then ask me what I wanted to do for a living. I told him, Flattop, that I wanted to get into racketeering. Flattop was a chain-smoking 3rd grader at the time, and he told me he'd advance me $5 to get started in the rackets if I gave him 10% of my take. I told Flattop that I had not yet taken arithmetic in school and so I didn't know if 10% was the going rate. Flattop assured me 10% was right in line with what every financier got from a 5 year-old pre schooler when he staked him with $5. Well, I gave it some thought and said okay, I'd do it.

Well in short order I was selling contraband Sugar Babies and Mars Bars to kids on the playground. Wouldn't you know that a couple of 2nd graders saw that I had a good business going and they decided to muscle in on my territory by selling watered-down Whistle pop and Hire‘s Root Beer. Yeah, in a flash all the available money on that playground was going into someone else’s pocket.

I went to Flattop and told him that I was getting the squeeze from two 7 year-olds. Flattop didn't bat an eye. He calmly told me that he knew of a couple of 9 year-olds who had hard knuckles and would demonstrate their tensile strength on to anyone if the price was right. Well, the right price was apparently two Viceroy cigarettes, a Wham-o slingshot, and a pair of x-ray glasses.

Yeah, I had my old territory back. But now I wanted to move up. I felt too penny-ante. I had an itch for some bigger stakes. I thought, Why not build a treehouse and open a casino inside where the neighborhood kids could gamble? Sure, it'd be a small casino. Maybe just one pair of dice. But it would be a beginning.

I contacted a kid named Nails Grogan to build the place. Grogan had designed and built a raft that he’d floated down the Olentangy River from Henderson Road all the way to downtown Columbus, Ohio. Yeah, Nails could make stuff. Anyhow, he told me he'd do it for a 5% take in the casino if I supplied the lumber. I told him I’d agree but only if he were responsible for the casino/tree house’s upkeep for one year. Nails went for it and we had a deal. I knew there was a pile of lumber out back of the Beechwold Theater down on High Street in the Clintonville section of Columbus. It looked like a cinch. I was going to have my own place and I was going to give Nails only 5% to keep the joint shipshape.

Yeah, I thought I was going to be a millionaire. I was imagining myself laying on some tropical island with Sandra Dee or one of those other dolls I’d seen in 16 Magazine. Only it didn't work out quite that way. Naw. It turned out the authorities got wind of my operation. The "authorities" being my mother.

I did six months hard time grounded. I couldn't even watch The Rifleman on TV. It was awful and it straightened me out but quick. In no time I was sitting in 1st grade at Glenmont School studying hard and proudly getting C's and D's.

Well everything seemed swell for a couple of years. Then I ran into a kid name of Bob Arnold. Arnold lived up the street on Chatham Road. The trouble began when I showed him my report card one day on the way home from school. Bob told me that only suckers put any faith in C’s and D’s, and I ought to join the Cub Scouts. I couldn’t figure out how the damn Cub Scouts could help my future, but I was put straight by Arnold. He told me that if I joined the Scouts with him and his pal, Dave Cribb, I could learn how to tie all kinds of knots. Knots, said Arnold, could be used in porn flicks that specialized in bondage.

Well I didn’t know anything about porn flicks or bondage. I’d seen a couple of Stag Magazines in McLaughlin's Pharmacy, but I didn’t have a clue about sex, porn, bondage, and so forth. Bob told me that if we found a porn niche, like bondage, we could make a fortune. He added that I wouldn’t have to worry about getting good grades in Mrs. Plimell’s 3rd grade class. Heck, I could get straight F’s if I wanted. That was all I needed to hear. I joined the Cub Scouts.

We had our first meeting at Kim Gilbert’s house, a fellow Scout. Kim’s father acted as our Scout leader. The first thing we were to be taught was how to make a fire out of twigs. Naturally me and Bob didn’t give a crap about building a fire in the forest. How could that help us advance in the porn industry? We needed to learn about knots. So about halfway through the first meeting, I held up my hand and asked Mr. Gilbert when the hell were we going to learn about knots.

“Why do you care so much about tying knots?” he asked me, a confused look on his face.

“Well, me and Bob Arnold need to know about knots,” I said, “so we can have bondage as our niche in the porn flicks we are going to make.”

Well that ended my career as a Cub Scout. I’d been a Scout for all of about 45 minutes when I was relieved of my Cub Scout identification badge. And neither Bob or I learned the first thing about tying a knot.

(Okay, hang on. I’ve got to go to the restroom. I’ll continue this “bio” shortly)