Here are a few things I have learned as a parent.

1. Negotiation is not an option. Like a terrorist, they will just continue to push for more.

2. Pick your battles. They are younger than you, and as such can last longer.

3. Dirty diapers stink, both literally and metaphorically. Double wrap them in plastic! The vapor barrier can save your home.

4. You can not control your kids past the toddler stage. If you try, you will fail. Leading them is a much better approach.

5. A small child is like a Marine. You can put one in a padded room wearing a straight jacket, and give them two ball bearings. They will break one and loose the other.

6. Bribery works for the short term. But like negotiation, it can only lead to your downfall.

7. Children are their own person. They are going to do what they want, when they want. Get used to it. But know how to make them think what you want is what they want.

8. There is no such thing as too many hugs.

9. If they are quiet, they are doing something wrong.

10. If they are loud, they are not doing something wrong.

11. A small boy can pick a lock faster than a locksmith.

12. Never buy the stain resistant couch. The material is thin, and will tear when a matchbox car rolls across it.

13. Always buy the couch cover.

14. They always like what you are eating more than what they are eating. Even if it is the same thing.

15. If they fall, do not react until they start to cry, or you see blood. When you do react remain calm. They will stop crying faster if you speak in an even tone. If necessary mock them.

16. Lock all your doors.

17. Lock your pantry.

18. Wake up before them.

19. Do not be afraid to punish them. After the toddler stage, they are probably going to hate you regardless.

20. If you are in the store, and your child is misbehaving, and you do not correct him. I will correct you. You will not enjoy it.

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The difference between a Socialist and a Communist is that the Socialist doesn't have all the guns yet.

The first one is particularly apt, my son went straight to bed for throwing a temper tantrum tonight.

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I'll get nicer when you get smarter.

Amazing, you nailed every point...BRAVO!

An another word to the wise. If you marry a spouse with children, 9 times out of 10 you will always take the back seat regardless of their age. After 18 years my soon to be ex-wife is still at it even though her son is 38 and daughter is 34. Accept that as fact before you get married or move on.

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Would you rather have a walk on part in the war or a lead role in a cage?

ROTFLMAO!!!! How do they do it?

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There are only two things wrong with this great nation of ours, democrats and republicans!

Not necessarily in that order.

You must always remember that Murphy's Law applies to parenthood even more than the service.

My 4 year old is particularly fond of screwdrivers. He has disassembled the door, the table, the desk, the kitchen cabinets, as well as his bed. And this is after my tools were secured with a padlock.

Just imagine what we could do if adults were as determined.

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I saw the title to this thread and thought, "well that doesn't apply to any of us here", but I see the restrictions have been relaxed, so I figure I might as well respond.

The only thing I can add is that if you plan on having two kids 18 years apart, (or it happened anyway like it did with some of us) be prepared to have forgotten all sorts of stuff about raising kids.

Don't ask. It is not pretty.

Please refer to tip #11.

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The difference between a Socialist and a Communist is that the Socialist doesn't have all the guns yet.

Heh, I'm the father of 4 with the 4 year old being the youngest. Believe me, I know it brother.

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I always make a point of giving a kudos to a mom who is standing firm with a whining toddler in the check-out line. I've been there. She's almost at the finish line.

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I'll get nicer when you get smarter.