Should divorce be legal? - Page 3

AmericanDreamer · #21 (**permalink**) 10-17-2005, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by catzmeow";p=&quot

Reading your posts helped me alot. I got divorced in July. My ex and I were married for 12 years. During that time period, he had more than 20 different jobs (chronic inability to hold a job), lied to me constantly, racked up personal credit card debt over $10k, and had 3 affairs.

I don't have a problem with doing away with *no-fault* divorces, because in a shared property state like Florida, under law, in spite of how he behaved, he was legally entitled to half of all the marital assets. I had plenty of evidence to prove fault on his end, and would have had no problem going to court and doing so. And, I didn't particularly like the idea of giving up half my retirement and half the equity in our house that I'd largely paid for as the primary breadwinner given his conduct.

But even my kids have told me that as hard as it is to go back and forth between our homes, it beats the constant fighting. I had no idea how to get him to live like an ethical human being. I can't say we didn't have periods of happiness, because we did. But they never lasted and they always disintegrated due to some other act of bad behavior on his part. I was the primary breadwinner, never cheated, was a good wife (even he admits I was), and was a good mom. I was the victim in this situation, and I was utterly at his mercy financially due to our screwed up divorce laws. I stayed a long time because I couldn't afford to leave, and I put up with ALOT because I didn't want to put our kids through a divorce.

But ultimately, I'd have ended up going through bankruptcy myself, or maybe even coming down with an STD due to his unprotected sex wtih other women (I have e-mail evidence that he engaged in this behavior). Are you seriously suggesting that I should have just sucked it up and kept on taking that sort of treatment?

I don't think so...you have to give people in that situation a way out. The day I woke up and realized I'd rather be alone forever than be married to him for another day, I knew i had to get divorced.

Catz

Just want to say that "I feel you" Lady

Thanx for sharing with your post
Btw, I was also a child in a divorced home- it is better without the fighting and unhappiness
Unhappiness is a disease that is spread to all around
"Misery loves company"

offspring13 · #22 (**permalink**) 10-19-2005, 05:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by american dreamer

How about people today are also far too quick to get married?

agreed

Quote:

Originally Posted by american dreamer

At the other end of the pendulum, we live in a society where a lot of people DONT EVEN BOTHER to get married- even when the birth of their children is involved.

In my humble personal opinion, children seem like a good reason to be married.

I disagree on this front. All of the people that get pregnant and have to get married and those who stay together unhappily for the children....this irritates me to no end. Love should be the only reason to marry or stay married to someone. The children will still have 2 parents regardless if the two have the little slip of paper or are even together any more.

catzmeow · #23 (**permalink**) 10-19-2005, 11:25 AM

love as an emotion comes and goes in relationships. love as an action abides.

But even in the best marriages, people don't always feel like they are in love.

gkjjehunter · #24 (**permalink**) 10-19-2005, 03:00 PM

This may incite a reaction, we'll see.

Regarding the legality of divorce. I know God hates divorce. But He doesn't make it a 'thou shalt not' commandment. It should be a mutual agreement and commitment in which both need and point to each other for support and service. But when Federal law and cultural doubts flood into the marriage, this commitment breaks down and is replaced with resentment, feelings of entrapment and desire to be free. We no longer depend on each other for survival and emotional support. We have Federal law to tell us the rules of our relationship, and we have jobs, entertainment and all sorts of stuff that makes being free and single more appealing than ever. There are valid arguments both ways. All I am claiming is that people do not depend on each other like they did in the past, and this may be contributing to divorce and a growing single population.

heikstheo · #25 (**permalink**) 10-19-2005, 06:11 PM

[quote="Nathan";p="167987"]

Quote:

Originally Posted by offspring13";p=&quot

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nathan";p=&quot

I think people today are far to quick to get divorced, and don't work hard enough to work it out.

I also think many people very much need to re-evaluate what makes them "happy" or "unhappy."

Well, in my own case, there was little doubt about what made me unhappy. I just didn't like getting beaten up by my wife too much. And I also didn't like getting arrested after she beat me up either.

raytri · #26 (**permalink**) 10-19-2005, 06:50 PM

Another thing to consider is that marriage is one of two things (the other is having kids) that you literally have no idea what you're getting into before you get into it.

I don't think it's fair or realistic to hold people to promises they made in complete ignorance of what the experience would be like. Especially when it's a voluntary coupling such as marriage.

As an aside, the 50% divorce rate is misleading. A large part of that is folks who get married and divorced several times. Further, many second marriages stick. That says to me that marriage is as strong as ever, we just aren't always good at picking a proper mate the first time around. It can take some knocking about the head by life before you become honest enough with yourself to recognize what you really want in a mate -- and to separate the requirements from the unrealistic ideals.

catzmeow · #27 (**permalink**) 10-20-2005, 06:11 AM

Quote:

But when Federal law and cultural doubts flood into the marriage, this commitment breaks down and is replaced with resentment, feelings of entrapment and desire to be free.

I love it when people who haven't been married speculate as to why people get divorced. It's like 20-somethings looking at a child throwing a temper tantrum in a grocery store and thinking to themselves, "My child will never act like that..."

Yeah he/she will...guaranteed, at least once. There isn't a kid out there who hasn't mortified his or her parents at the least opportune moment at least once. Guaranteed.

My decision to get divorced had nothing to do with federal law and/or the breakdown of the definition of marriage. It had to do with my husband being chronically unemployed, racking up massive personal debt, and cheating on me 3 times. I didn't want to get divorced, hell, I have two kids. But finally, after the third time, I knew things weren't going to change and I could either suck it up and accept that life, or walk away. Do you really think that federal law had any role, whatsoever, in my decision to leave? I'd have left him even if it was ILLEGAL.

Catz

gkjjehunter · #28 (**permalink**) 10-20-2005, 09:27 PM

I guess I didn't have much info in my profile. I update so you can see my name, marital status, age, kids, pets and how long married. it should help with dialoging. I hope it helps with perspective.

JavaBlack · #29 (**permalink**) 10-20-2005, 09:40 PM

The biggest cause in change in divorce levels is directly related to the independence of women. For that reason I can't necessarily see divorce as an evil thing (even though that has pretty much nothing to do with my parents' divorce). Now women can leave abusive and terrible marriages because they can support themselves. Good. That means only good marriages survive. There is more pressure on men to be good to their wives. These days marriages can come in many forms. The only thing that matters is that the marriage works to the benefit of both. Maybe some day, we'll reach a new level when kids learn from the mistakes of their divorced parents and enter good relationships, skipping the divorce process. Unfortunately I don't see that happening too quick. But I can tell you, I'm going to take what I can from my parents' mistakes. My fiancee and I talk about everything ahead of time and make sure we're on the same page. None of this blind romance or Oops! Kid! crap for us.

offspring13 · #30 (**permalink**) 10-21-2005, 12:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JavaBlack

The biggest cause in change in divorce levels is directly related to the independence of women. For that reason I can't necessarily see divorce as an evil thing (even though that has pretty much nothing to do with my parents' divorce). Now women can leave abusive and terrible marriages because they can support themselves.

A very good point. Maybe the rise in the divorce rate is a good thing. In the ole days, most women were 'trapped' inside marriage because they couldn't support themselves...so a good number of marriages were not for love. Now, people only stay together if they are happy. So I guess you could say that marriage as an institution is actually stronger as of late. Hmmm.

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