My grandma has been battling cancer off and on for twelve years now, and within the past three months, she has gotten progressively worse. The tumors have grown so big and so fast that there's no way to stop the growth. Now she is on a hospital bed in our living room waiting to die. She can barely eat, drink, or even talk at this point except some slight moans. Although I was able to say my last words to her a few days ago in the hospital where she told me to make her proud by becoming successful and accomplishing my dreams once I finish school. I haven't dealt with a death in the family since February 2001 when my grandpa died, and I was only eight at the time, so I didn't really comprehend what it all meant. This time it's different, not only because I'm older, but I've always been closer to my grandma way more than I was with my grandpa. I've cried more in the past week than I probably have in my whole life, and I have trouble focusing at work and elsewhere due to everything that's going on. I'm just glad that I don't have school for the summer, because I know I wouldn't be able to handle all the stress. Depression has been setting in as a result of all this, despite my attempts at staying positive. I've been eating more than I should instead of dieting, and my will to be positive has hit a new low. I know I'm not completely blameless, but I'm finding it hard to focus and be happy about anything. I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind over all this, and I feel it will only get worse when the inevitable happens and she's gone forever. This is the most emotional stress I've ever had at one time, and I'm wondering if you guys have experienced a death in the family, and how you coped with it. Maybe the stories and examples will help me cope with this in a more positive and healthy way.
Death of those we love is never easy to accept or deal with....but I have some experience in this that might be of benefit to you: It is extremely important and helpful emotionally, to understand the grief you feel is NOT for her, it is for yourself and the loss you feel when she is gone. This is a selfish desire to hold on to comfort and stability and is a natural reaction, it is however, in this case cruel to expect or hope for her suffering to continue to appease your own needs....this is not Love, it is more akin to desire. Love would be hoping for an end to her pain, even at the cost of your own happiness...altruism is difficult, but it's own reward. It also helps to understand and believe she will be heading out on the most powerful adventure we can imagine...the unknown.
Part of what you're dealing with is your own mortality... ... the death of someone close to us reminds us that eventually our own time will come... ... since you are young, put that aside for the immediate future and live your life as your grandma wants you to.
You need to not take it out on others or yourself. Death is just the reality of living. It is ok to be sad, mad, confused, regretful, etc. These are all normal. The best thing you can do is just to work through what is coming even if you do it like a zombie or full of emotions. Cry when you need to cry. Be alone when you need to be alone. Sleep when you feel like sleeping. Most importantly, just put one foot in front of the other. I held my mom's hand when she died in the morning and when I had to go to the grocery store in the afternoon, it became almost disorienting just to be doing something so mundane after something so traumatic. Just plug along as best you can and you will find your normalcy again in your own time frame.
When I lost my parents [it was one right after another], it was difficult to say the least. I found peace though, I thought logically. I thought how lucky I was to have such caring parents, I thought how very fortunate I was to have their example and experiences to follow. I said to myself, death is part of life, it's part of evolving. Their blood is in me and my children, their life continues and they know this. I look into my kids eyes and see part of them, a real part. They are part of the information inside all of us, and information is never lost,,,never. To me, people do not die, they evolve....I do not have to understand the rest, it's not important. Only this,,,for me, why be sad for being so fortunate ... Celebrate what they [or she] gave you, it means so much to them that you do. Your sadness will be temporary, the wonderful memories she leaves forever.
Physical death is a part of life. For those who believe in a hereafter, it is but passing from one life to another. I experienced an NDE when I was a young man living 'fully' in the world. After laying on the ground for hours, I accepted the loss of my 'mortality' and a peace came over me that I had never felt. I was resigned to die, not knowing where I was 'heading' but had accepted my state and was ready to 'go.' Since then I have understood the scripture, "The peace of God that passes all human understanding shall guard your heart & mind...." Scripture talks of those who 'gave up the ghost,' which I believe all humans have the capability of doing---i.e. letting go of earthly cares and freeing one's spirit. Why some fight physical death to their last breathe, and why some pass on peaceably, entering their rest. The part of physical death that I dislike is in being one of the loved ones left behind. It is harder on them having to miss the person that has passed on. But if a person is suffering, then it can be seen as a blessing to relieve their suffering. Just lost an aged aunt who had dementia for the past 8 yrs, had developed diabetes & stage 4 bladder cancer, and passed on peaceable in her sleep last week The dementia was almost a blessing in that she didnt know that she was dying and wasnt fearful near the end of her life. But from my own NDE and seeing many of those pass on peaceable that I have known in life, I dont fear physical death, altho will admit I dont look forward to the 'sting' of dying if it be so...but I look at it as having had many injuries in life and survived and forgotten the pain of them, I know it is only temporary... Didnt mean to sound 'preachy,' but I hope this helps.
I lost both of my parents within about a 3 year period. Both were in hospice as you describe with terminal diagnosis and it is not a pleasant experience to watch the life slowly drain away from a loved one. It's a feeling of powerlessness. How do you cope? There is no right or wrong way to cope with grief. Some ways are healthier than others however.
My mother-in-law just passed a few days ago at 86. I know this may sound strange, but it is sort of a relief for my wife who has basically been her care giver for more than 18 years. My wife also lost her first husband and 2 brothers in the same year. She keeps going, just like you should, cause that's what your grandma would want. It's a natural thing. Don't be afraid or embarassed, but rather make the best of your life to honor her memory. I wish you well.
Obviously if your grandma is a good person that's the last thing she wants; so perhaps you do well to question the source of the motivation to think as if you're the one who's dying.
Do something creative. Art and music are great coping mechanisms. They allow expression of everything. Which allows you to process the experience and eventually (hopefully) heal.
My only advice is talk to someone about this. Not here on the boards but a real person. For something like this, a minister could be very helpful, they have a lot of experience helping people deal with death. And I say this as an atheist. If that is not an option to you- and you are in school, try talking with a counselor, and if not that find someone else- talk to someone- and my best wishes for you and your family.
Not really strange at all. I was the primary person for my parents when they needed things like rides to the doctors, meds picked up, meals prepared, and toward the end with my mom, her soiled sheets changed multiple times a day. It is exhausting, especially when people lose their ability to stand and walk unassisted even short distances, but at least you know you will have far fewer regrets having done it. Two of my siblings absolutely couldn't deal with what became the terminal declines and have had a lot harder time dealing with our parents' deaths.
Death is natural, I accept it, my father 20 years ago and my mother this past spring...in each case my family celebrated their long lives and enjoyed each others companionship, we ate, we drank, we cried...accept the process, celebrate their lives and memories keep your family close, then move on...
Well, she just passed away an hour ago. I'm a nervous wreck right now, but I'm glad for the support here. Thanks.
" Not life but the honourable end " or something like that... meaning we all have to die, but let it be with honour. If i had cancer and no perspective of future, i'd personally use that time to do something worthy, subscribing to some humanitarian aid association, write a book, express my inner thoughts without much fear... it's useless to focus on death because we know it will come sooner or later.
