OK....this Topic is intended for ONE PURPOSE!!! And that is just to put a smile on the faces of people!! Any JOKE is fine as long as it is not MEAN SPIRITED and if we start CENSORING HUMOR...then we are in BIG TROUBLE as a society so as far as I am concerned anyone, anything, any group and anything that exists or does not exist IS FAIR GAME. My Joke of the Day. This Guy walks into a Bar and has a 6 foot long Alligator under his arm and he carries the Gator up to the bar....put's it on the bar and yells over to the Barterner....Hey Bartender....give me a Drink!! The Bartender looks at the Gator and say's to the man...."I am NOT serving you so get this damn Alligator off my Bar!!" The man with the Gator say's...."Oh...you mean JIMMY? Jimmy is a tame Alligator he wouldn't hurt anyone...so how about a Jack and Coke?"...and the man throws down a U.S. $100 Bill. The Bartender say's...."How the HELL do I know for sure JIMMY here won't bite anyone?" The man with the Gator say's..."OK...you want me to PROVE Jimmy's tame? Watch this!" The man open's up the Alligators mouth...pulls out his penis and put's it into the alligators mouth...closes the mouth and starts SLAPPING AND SPANKING AND SLAPPING THE GATOR!!! He open's the Gators mouth and pulls out his Penis and say's..."LOOK AT THAT!!! NOT A SCRATCH!!" The Bartender say's..."Oh sure. Jimmy won't bite YOU because your his Master but what about anyone else here in the bar?" The guy with the Alligator turns around and say's....."HEY!! ANYONE ELSE HERE WANNA TRY THIS!!??" I cute girl in the back of the room raises her hand and say's....."OK...I will try it but please just don't SLAP ME SO HARD!!!" LOL!! AboveAlpha
California Love Story. A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex..............she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles. This was something she loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned tand asked her "Why do you love doing that?" "Because" she replied................."I really miss mine".
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. As the bartender asks him what he wants the monkey runs down to one end of the bar, picks up an entire lemon and sucks the whole thing down at once. the monkey then runs down to the other end of the bar, picks up a lime and then proceeds to eat that whole thing without taking a bite. The monkey then runs onto the pool table, picks up the cue ball and eats the entire thing whole. The bartender says "hey, what gives with your monkey?" And the man tells him that's what the monkey does, so just put the cost of the lemon, lime and cue ball on his tab. A few weeks later the guy and monkey come in again and this time the monkey runs down the bar to where the olives are, sticks one up his butt, pulls it out and then eats it. The bartender says that's the most disgusting thing he's ever seen. The guy says "yeah, ever since he ate the cue ball he now measures everything first."
TrackerSam and Steve N.....GOOD JOKES!! LOL!!!! OK....I heard this on the radio comming home. A guy calls up the D.J. of a local Rock Station here in Western Massachusetts and say's to the D.J....... "Hey D.J.! You have been talking all day about what you want in a Girl and it's starting to sound I little pitiful!!!" The D.J. say's...."OH YEAH!!! OK Mr. SMOOTH!! TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT YOUR GIRL TO BE LIKE!!??" The CALLER replies...."So your asking ME.....what I want a GIRL to be like?" D.J. replies..."Yeah! Tell us Don Juan!!! What do you want for a Girl?" Callers say's....."Well EASY! I want a GIRL that is like my SCOTCH!!!" D.J. asks....."LIKE YOUR SCOTCH??? HOW SO??" Caller replies....At least 16 YEARS OLD AND ALL MIXED UP WITH COKE!!" LOL!! AboveAlpha
Ughh!! OH MAN! LOL!!! AboveAlpha - - - Updated - - - Today's STUPID JOKE OF THE DAY..... What's the difference between a Blonde and a Washing Machine? Answer....A Washing Machine doesn't follow you around for 2 weeks after you throw a load into it! AboveAlpha
Why is it bad to do math in the jungle? Because if you add 4 +4, you get ate. Thank the USA network cartoon train from the 90s for that joke.
So a Duck waddles into a Bar and orders a Jack and Coke. The Bartender places the drink on the bar and the Duck who has already flown up to the bar immediately drinks down the Jack and Coke and starts waddling back out the Bar's door. The bartender yells out..."Hey! Are you going to pay for your drink!!??" The Duck yells back...."JUST PUT IT ON MY BILL!" Brrump Pump! LOL! AboveAlpha - - - Updated - - - What's a Blonde Girl's MATING CALL? Answer..."OH! I AM SO DRUNK!" LOL!! AboveAlpha
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??" Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back.That will be $500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back!" That will be $500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything !!!! Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your$1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill). Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! " That will be $500!" Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
AboveAlpha TrackerSam and Obama walk into a bar. Bartender says: "What?!? Is this some kinda stupid JOKE?"
Guy walks into a muslim bookstore. Looks around for a minute when the clerk, wearing a burka and a name tag approaches him. She looks through the slot and says, in a muffled voice: "Can I help you?" He says: "Yeah. Do you have that new political book about controlling illegal muslim immigration and islamic terror? I can't remember the name." She, obviously angry, yells: "GET OUT!! GET OUT AND STAY OUT!!" He says: "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
Nothing dirty from me but I certainly have "stupid"... I went to a zoo the other day. The only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu. .
This is from THE MUPPET SHOW. Fozzie Bear is on stage and is getting heckled by the two Old Guy's in the back. Fozzie say's...."OK....I can make a JOKE out of anything! Just say ONE WORD and I will make a JOKE out of it! The two OLD GUY'S in the back yell out...."OK....AMOEBA!!!" Fozzie Bear pretends he didn't hear them and keep's on talking..."That's right any word you tell me...." The TWO OLD GUY'S yell even louder....."MAKE A JOKE OUT OF THE WORD.....AMOEBA!!!!" Fozzie Bear say's..."OK! OK!! AMOEBA!! Amoedba?" The Two OLD GUY'S start laughing at Fozzie Bear and yell to him..."YOU CAN'T DO IT!!!" Fozzie Bear thinks for a second and say's..."OK....These two AMOEBA'S are walking down the street and one Amoeba say's to the other Amoeba..."Is that the SUN or the MOON rising?" The other Amoeba say's...."I don't know I am not from around here." FOZZIE BEAR!!! AboveAlpha
A Priest and a Rabbi... A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has developed a plan for eating for free at the really fine restaurants. "I simply go in well after 9:00 PM, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee and dessert until they are cleaning up. I keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes and asks me to pay. I tell them I've already paid my original waiter who has left for the night". Because I am a man of the cloth, the waiter takes my word for it and I just simply walk out the front door as calm as can be". The rabbi clearly impressed says "let's try it together this evening". The priest agrees and books them into an expensive Michelin Italian restaurant. They both eat like kings and about 12:30 AM they are sitting quietly after enjoying a spectacular meal. The waiter comes over and hands them the bill and asks them to pay. The priest calmly says "We've already paid our original waiter who has left for the evening". And then the rabbi adds: "And we're still waiting for the change!".
Why do BLONDE'S make such Bad Cttle Ranchers? Answer....Because they just can't keep their Calves together!! AboveAlpha
What do you get when you cross Rosie O'Donnell with a pig? Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.
What have you done wrong if your wife leaves the kitchen to nag at you in the living room? You made her chain too long.
"After severing ties with Donald Trump NBC is reportedly in talks with George Lopez to take over 'Celebrity Apprentice'. So Trump's greatest nightmare has come true. A Hispanic guy took his job". -Seth Meyers
J.A.P. stands for Jewish American Princess. What does a J.A.P. do to her A$$#@!E? Answer....DRESSES HIM UP AND SENDS HIM OFF TO WORK EVERY DAY!!! AboveAlpha
60 percent of women think their ass is too fat. 30 percent of women think their ass is too thing 10 percent of women think their ass is just fine the way he is.
From Calvin and Hobbes. Calvin is at the front of the class for SHOW AND TELL. He holds up a small irregular shaped stone and say's...."Today for show and tell I have brought in a piece of a fossil of a complete Dinosaur that I have discovered in my backyard!" Calvin continues and say's...."To the eye's of the untutored laymen this piece of Fossil would appear to be just a piece of Driveway Stone but in fact I have identified it to be a single piece from the fossilized skeleton of a previously unknown sub-species of T-Rex and as soon as this discover is confirmed FAME AND FORTUNE WILL BE MINE!!!" Calvin then turns his angry eye's upon his classmates and yells...."And I assure those of you who have been MEAN TO ME will pay for your behavior!!" "I will use my vast and new found wealth and influence to CRUSH YOUR PUNY HOPES AND DREAMS....THUS MAKING YOUR LIVES A LIVING HELL!!" Calving then turns contrite and say's...."However for some of you I will be merciful and offer you an oppertunity to avoid my wrath.' Calvin then holds up a stack of prewritten contracts and say's....."All one has to do is pay $20 each and sign this official statement and contract that will legally bind you into being my FRIEND and once paid for and signed a student can revel in their legal association for a lifetime! Any takers?" The next thing you see is Calvin inside the Principal's Office as he sits infront of his Principal who is also sitting down behind his desk as Calvin yells....."OH YEAH? WELL YOU JUST WAIT!!!" LOL!! AboveAlpha
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??" Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back.That will be $500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back!" That will be $500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything !!!! Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your$1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill). Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! " That will be $500!" Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
So....I was driving on the freeway the other day and saw a red ice-chest with some writing on it. I was curious so I stopped to check it out. As I came closer it looked like some medical cooler with medical inscriptions on it etc. I opened it to see what was inside and to my utter astonishment, there was a HUMAN TOE!!! I had to call a TOE truck!!!
