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Tasteless Humor 3, Lord How Many More?

Discussion in 'Humor & Satire' started by Moi621, Apr 14, 2020.

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  1. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Police
    Officer Test

    How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish officer? The answer is
    found below.


    QUESTION:You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
    Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the
    corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like
    obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.


    You are carrying your full belt of force options and are an expert in using them. However, you have only a split second to react before he
    reaches you. What do you do?

    ANSWERS:

    Canadian
    Police Officer    :


    Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

    1) Does the man look mentally unstable, poor and/or oppressed?

    2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the
    law?

    3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

    4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to
    attack?

    5) Am I dressed provocatively?

    6) Could I run away?

    7) Could I possibly swing my retractable asp baton and knock the knife out of his hand?

    8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his
    wrong-doings?

    9) Why am I carrying so many destructive use of force options anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

    10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

    11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

    12) If I raise my firearm and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head, suffers an injury or even worse,
    dies?

    13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


    Australian
    Police Officer:

    BANG!


    American
    Police Officer:

    BANG ! BANG !
    BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

    'Click'...Reload...

    BANG !
    BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


    Glasgow
    Police Officer:

    "Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knife reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse !"
     
    Sallyally, Jun 22, 2021
    #1651
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  2. Moi621

    Moi621 Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Moi621, Jun 23, 2021
    #1652
  3. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    B29216E6-8339-4BDA-9912-C5BB0F8FBB6E.jpeg
     
    Sallyally, Jun 23, 2021
    #1653
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  4. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    B56BD476-8E67-4730-AFCE-78ADC62700CC.jpeg
     
    Sallyally, Jun 23, 2021
    #1654
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  5. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    D8DF5A73-34B8-4249-B2BD-F038C9804106.jpeg
     
    Sallyally, Jun 23, 2021
    #1655
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  6. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    5195AB9C-1829-41CB-B7F7-275E3B563914.jpeg
     
    Sallyally, Jun 23, 2021
    #1656
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  7. Phyxius

    Phyxius Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]
     
    Phyxius, Jun 24, 2021
    #1657
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  8. Moi621

    Moi621 Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    https://www.yahoo.com/finance/news/lawyer-saw-no-sign-software-110403547.html
    Lawyer saw no sign that software
    mogul McAfee would kill himself    ​
    BARCELONA, June 24 (Reuters) - Anti-virus software pioneer John McAfee's lawyer said on Thursday he had seen no sign before the entrepreneur's death in a Spanish prison that he would take his own life.


    Blame Hillary!
    Now more than ever.


    Moi     :oldman:





    anti-Canada-b.jpg ​
     
    Moi621, Jun 24, 2021
    #1658
  9. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    It’s sad isn’t it?
     
    Sallyally, Jun 25, 2021
    #1659
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  10. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Sallyally, Jun 25, 2021
    #1660
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  11. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    1. A man parachuted out of an airplane, and his chute did not open. As he headed for almost certain death, he saw a man coming up toward him through the air from the ground.
      As the man zoomed by, the man headed down asked, “Do you know anything about parachutes?”
      The man replied in passing, “No, you know anything about gas stoves?”
     
    Sallyally, Jun 25, 2021
    #1661
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  12. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Two Irish Pilots are flying in an open biplane. Says one to the other, "If we turn upside down will we fall out?" "No", says the other one, "we will always be friends".
     
    Sallyally, Jun 25, 2021
    #1662
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  13. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. Moments later the tower land line rang which was answered by one of the employees.

    A passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone he yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot has had an instant and fatal heart attack. I have grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.

    "I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

    The employee in the tower put him on the speaker phone immediately.

    "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".

    He began his series of questions:

    Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"

    Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."

    Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180mph?"

    Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."

    Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"

    Aircraft: “The **** in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”
     
    Sallyally, Jun 25, 2021
    #1663
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  14. signalmankenneth

    signalmankenneth Well-Known Member

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    I saw her snatch the suitcase from the closet?
    I held her but a moment in the rain?
    I kissed her as, we started for the depot?
    To see her brother Jack off the train?

    Red Foxx
     
    signalmankenneth, Jun 27, 2021
    #1664
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  15. 19Crib

    19Crib Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    A891CD0B-B5E4-4051-8DFB-32B0F40820C8.jpeg
     
    19Crib, Jun 28, 2021
    #1665
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  16. signalmankenneth

    signalmankenneth Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]
     
    signalmankenneth, Jun 28, 2021
    #1666
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  17. signalmankenneth

    signalmankenneth Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2021
    signalmankenneth, Jun 28, 2021
    #1667
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  18. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Two hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly.
    “Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board. He had the same plane as yours”
    Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane could not handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
    Climbing out of the wreckage, Brian asked Tommy, “Any idea where we are?”
    “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year Brian”
     
    Sallyally, Jun 29, 2021
    #1668
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  19. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet air intakes
     
    Sallyally, Jun 29, 2021
    #1669
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  20. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    If hell is red, hot, dry and mainly empty, how do Aussies know when thy are dead.
     
    Sallyally, Jun 29, 2021
    #1670
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  21. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    *Mercedes for Sale @ $1* Someone put up this advertisement... No one believed it could be true so no one responded, but an old man responded and went to see the car. The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 km, for $1. She handed him the papers and the car keys. Deal done. As the old man was leaving, he said, "I shall die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?" The Lady replied, "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where it's written that the money received from the sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary ..."
     
    Sallyally, Jun 29, 2021
    #1671
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  22. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    473CE131-1B54-4B8B-8870-E60EABFDAE29.png
    Not PC but not offensive.
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2021
    Sallyally, Jun 29, 2021
    #1672
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  23. Moi621

    Moi621 Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Ask Hillary!
     
    Moi621, Jun 30, 2021
    #1673
  24. Moi621

    Moi621 Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Moi621, Jul 1, 2021
    #1674
  25. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Sallyally, Jul 1, 2021
    #1675
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