Tasteless Humor

In my dating profile, I filled out a section where you describe the ideal date. Among other things I mentioned that I like a little Dom - as in Dom Perignon Champagne.

Little did I realize that this is also short for Dominatrix or domination. It was only after I received my third request for specifics - do you like whips? What are you into? Do you like pain? - that I realized what was happening.

 

I think you need to keep away from online dating. There's no telling what could happen.

 

I know 3 couples who ended up getting married, after meeting on a media sharing / Discussion forum!

There were a couple of absolute disasters in the dating that sprung from the same site.

One international hook-up ended super embarrassingly .... But oddly enough, one of the members in that, ended up marrying another member, from the US at a later date...


Odd stuff at times, but it can work!

 

It's a bit of a toss up unless you get to know the person. There are frequent reports of international disasters, scams etc.

 

Q: What's worse than lobsters on your piano?

A:. Crabs on your organ.

 

Haha, I've seen em all! I know a guy who sent a woman $5000. She had some big story about being an art dealer stuck in customs in some African country. Heh.

I was contacted by one woman who claimed to be in the central US. By the third message she offered to come out West and move in with me if I sent her money to fix her car; so she can drive here.

 

I dated a beautiful young woman who had a lot of anger issues. That was bad enough. Then one day she said she wanted to use a strap-on on me... Whooooooah!!!! Say what?!?! Even if I was into that, which I'm not, you never give an angry woman a strap-on. That just makes good sense.

 

Ugly woman with hairy armpits walks into a bar, raises her arm and says: "Who here's gonna buy a thirsty woman a drink?". The patrons all cringe at the huge matted bush of armpit hair, and no one says anything. So she walks over to the other side, raises her other arm in the air, revealing an even larger mane of armpit hair, and says: "Cmon guys, who's gonna buy me a drink?" Everyone turns away except cross-eyed Bill, who says: "Bartender! Buy the ballerina a drink, and keep em coming!"

The bartender comes to take cross-eyed Bill's money and whispers: "Why did you call her a ballerina?" Cross-eyed Bill says: "Anyone who can lift their leg that high, must be a ballerina."

 

What does a West Virginia hillbilly girl say to keep her virginity?
Get off me dad, you're crushin my smokes!

What does a West Virginia hillybilly boy say to keep his virginity?
Get off me dad, you're crushin my smokes!

 

Grosser than gross....A hickey on a hemorrhoid...

 

What do you have when 32 hillbilly women are all in a room? A full set of teeth,

 

How do you circmcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the mouth.

 

Billy Joe said to Jesse Bob, "You fork just like Pa." Jesse Bob replied, "Yeah, that's what Ma says too."

 

Jinkies

 

Similar:
What's better than roses on a piano?

Tu-lips on your organ.

 

A six-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother are playing in the yard.

The six-year-old walks over and says, “You know what? I think it’s about time that you and I started to learn how to cuss as good as the man who walks his dog in front of our house every day. So when we go in for dinner, I’m gonna say something with ‘hell,’ and you gotta say something with ‘ass’.”

The smiling four-year-old readily agrees.

When their Mom walks up to the dinner table and asks the six-year-old if he wants gravy on his mashed potatoes, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom… I’d rather have butter on 'em, instead!”

WHACK…!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs while crying his eyes out with his Mom right behind him, slapping his rear end with nearly every step. She angrily locks his bedroom door while saying in no uncertain terms, “You can stay in there until I let you out!”

Then, she comes downstairs, back into the kitchen, and asks the four-year- old with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want on your mashed potatoes?”

“I don’t know … but you can bet your ass it ain’t gonna be butter

 

A woodpecker from Montana flew over to Idaho to check out the bugs and grubs in the trees over there. He lands in a tree and sees this Idaho woodpecker pecking on a tree, and he's having a hell of a time, he just can't get through it. So the Montana woodpecker flies over and boars through the tree with no problem, and they have a big ol' feast of bugs and grubs...then he flies back to Montana. About a week later that Idaho woodpecker flies over to Montana to check out the bugs and grubs in the trees over there He lands in a tree and sees that same Montana woodpecker pecking on a tree, and he's having a hell of a time, just can't get through it. So he flies over and boars through the tree with no problem, and they have another big ol' feast of bugs and grubs. And the moral of the story is...the farther away from home you are, the harder your pecker gets.

 

What's the difference between a refrigerator and and a homosexual.....a refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

 

After closing time at the bar, Paddy was proudly showing off his new Apartment to a couple of his friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of his friends asked..

'It's not a gong. It's an Irish talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,

"You *******! It's 3:15 in the MORNING"

 

view in order

 

After my ex and I split, I dove headfirst into the world of human sexuality. With the internet, the lid's off and people talk about everything!

I saw a poll asking women how many orgasms they like when having sex.
I would guess that 5-10% had never had an orgasm
Perhaps 20-30% were "One and you're done". One big O was plenty.
A fair number were into two or three or even four on a good night.
And some women can go endlessly. They can have one orgasm after another all night long.

How is a guy to know? Women are all over the map in their desires. And early in a relationship it is a little awkward to ask outright. So my solution is to have it indicated on your driver's license.

 

What would be more awkward on a date, than comparing drivers licence information?
But, it could be helpful- smelly feet, belches after meals, leaves the toilet seat up- all this stuff could be included so that a woman can make an informed choice.

 

Getting arrested for having sex with a minor?

No no no, that's not the same problem!

 

You can just slip it on casually. Say for example, I love how you're wearing your hair! Is that how it looks on your license?

Or, you have such a lovely smile. How does it look on DMV photos?