When we got married, we flew all the way to the Dominican Republic for our honeymoon. Another couple in the UK picked the same destination. We all got the same transfer bus at the same time, went to the same hotel, picked our cases up and went to our hotel rooms. We went back to reception because they were the wrong cases. It transpired that both of us had the exact same green suitcases with the exact pink ribbon tied around the handles.
I've had a tractor backfire almost get me killed by a horse, twice! The first time was when I was a kid visiting the family farm in the Midwest, while riding one of the more spirited stallions. I was on a gravel road riding along a field where a tractor was working. It backfired and the horse reared up and took off on a dead run! It caught me off guard and I lost the reins. All I could do was hang onto the horn for dear life. I remember taking the turn onto the driveway for the farm, and watching the reins dangle between his legs as he leaned hard into the 90 degree turn. I thought for sure he was going to trip himself up! But he didn't. He continued on a dead run right up to the fence at the main entrance, when he came to an abrupt halt in about three hard lunges. My ass went right up over the top of my head and I almost did a flip right over the fence into the rose garden. But no harm done. The other time I was walking behind a horse on our property. Normally that was okay. But suddenly a neighbor's tractor backfired. When it did, the horse kicked hard with both legs. I heard one hoof whoosh right next to my right ear. And the other next to my left ear. He couldn't have missed me by more than a few inches on either side.
I bought a new woollen jumper but it kept giving me static electric shocks. I took it back and the store exchanged it free of charge.
This is a joke but might have happened... An older Walmart greeter is standing at the doorway when a commotion is brought in from outside. An overweight middle-aged woman with curlers in her hair and 2 kids in tow walks in. She's cussing at the kids and just being obnoxious (we all know the type). Anyway, he greets her as usual, "good morning, welcome to Walmart". She looks at him and replies " what's so good about it". Trying to stay polite he says " my what beautiful children, are they twins?" She looks back at him and says "are you daft old man, one is 7 the other is 4." He says, "I know, I just can't imagine anyone f##king you twice."
I just spoke with a very old friend of mine. We haven't spoken in 30 years. But when I was growing up, he lived next door and we got very tight. He is about 8 years older than me. But by the time I was in my early teens, he and I were riding motorcycles in the high desert together, later, partying together, and not long after, working together. I've tried to find him a few times over the years and never could. The other day I tried again on a whim and spotted him. When he answered the phone and I told him who I was, he couldn't believe it! But here's the really odd part. We had both moved almost a thousand miles from where we lived next door to each other. He didn't know where I moved and I had no idea where he was living or even if he was alive. But we ended being neighbors again and never knew it. For 15 years, up until about 5 years ago, we lived about 30 miles apart. So what was the first thing he mentioned after 30 years. What was his most memorable aspect of our 10 year friendship? How did he remember me? He immediately said how for years he's talked about this crazy kid he knew who would stick his foot in the spokes of his front bicycle tire while riding at a good clip, and throw himself off, on purpose! LOL!!! I REMEMBER!!! Not quite true but close enough. I just hit the front brake and threw myself over the handlebars. The rear end of the bike would follow. Why? you may ask. As a kid I studied the martial arts, beginning with Judo. The first thing you learn in Judo is how to fall, because you fall a lot. On a whim, one day I bet a friend that I would flip my bike while riding and do a nice roll, and not get hurt. I did it on grass so it wasn't really that big of a deal. But it was such a hit that I kept getting requests to do it. To me it wasn't really that big of a deal but apparently they all thought I was absolutely nuts! So there's my legacy.
A couple of years ago I found an old friend from my years in a Catholic grammar school. And what was his most memorable moment when I came to mind? During what we called Stations of the Cross, a ceremony Catholics perform around Easter time, when the entire school was in church, I became horribly sick. I must have gotten food poisoning. I puked on the pew in front of me. I puked as I tried to get to the aisle. I puked two, then three, then four more times as I ran down the aisle past the entire school, while trying to get out of the church. I puked and puked and puked before I could get out. I can still remember puking six times for sure. This was his first memory. I remember that all too well. The school janitor never spoke to me again.
Reminds me of a visit to a campus bar in my younger days. Went to the bathroom and found someone had tossed their cookies on both sides of the hallway for a good 15 feet and BOTH sides of the.door. I was impressed. I also left before I needed to piss again.
No kidding! I had not considered that it was such a memorable event but it's easy to see why it was. I guess because I was so sick I didn't have the same perspective. He actually said it was legendary. Not one of those 300 or so students will ever forget it. I can believe it! I made friends again in the 5th grade when I was the first to sneak in Playboy and Penthouse magazines, at school. Got busted for it too. LOL! I can still remember Sister Emma, the principal, calling my mother that night. OMG now my mother and all the nuns know I like naked women, Oh no!!! No one was supposed to know. It was a secret! And OMG they are going to tell the priests!!! Confession is gonna be pure hell. I'll be saying Hail Marys for the next ten years!
One of the most memorable moments of being a sugar daddy, was early on when I was seeing my first sugar baby. She was an absolutely stunning blonde. At the time she was only 21 and truly the most beautiful woman I had ever met. We were at a Hotel and had been down in the restaurant eating. I had them bring me a bottle of champagne on ice to take back to our room. We finished and started heading for the elevators, but found we had to walk through a large room filled with about 40 or 50 mostly middle-age men having some kind of dinner meeting. As we entered the perimeter of the room to pass through, the place went silent and all eyes were on her. She literally brought the dinner to a dead stop as we passed. And there I was in tow with my champagne and ice and grinning from ear to ear. I saw a few men look at me with pure envy. I was definitely the coolest guy in the room. We got to the room and she said something about feeling conspicuous, like everyone in that room was watching her! THEY WERE! I said as I laughed. Didn't you notice how quiet it got? She did but didn't realize why. Silly girl. She had no idea just how stunning she really was. Even I felt conspicuous. She was in the habit of walking around her apartment naked with the curtains open. She figured if someone saw her, oh well. Enjoy. So we had a little talk about that. Sweetheart, you need to understand the effect you have on men...
Boy Turns into a Yam Three pupils of the Evangelist Primary School in the northern Nigerian town of Maiduguri rushed into the headmistresses office in March 2000 and said that a fellow pupil had been transformed into a yam after accepting a sweet from a stranger. The headmistress found the root tuber and took it to the police station for safe-keeping. Following local radio reports, hundreds of people flocked to see the yam and police were hunting for the sweet-giver. What happened next failed to reach the media.
I bet some police had candied yams for dinner. Get it? "after accepting sweets" - "candied". Yeah yeah, I'm going to rot in Hell.
The first time I ever rode a horse was on a farm. The mare they gave me had broken into the sheep feed the night before and was bloated from overeating and in a less than pleasant mood. But what did I know about horses? Apparently one of the fun things to do when a wild hare would break cover was to go charging after it at a full gallop. I hadn't even figured out how to post at a trot yet when a rabbit was startled. My companions, both experienced riders took off and my horse followed and I was just being taken along for the ride. The rabbit, went left, so did the others but my mare continued straight since I hadn't got the hang of steering a horse yet. Still at a full gallop we approached a dried up river bed with shrubs all along it and at the last moment the mare hung a sharp right almost throwing me off but I managed to hang on out of sheer desperation. By this stage I had no reins or stirrups and was holding on to the saddle when I saw that we were approaching what looked like a circle of cactus. I assumed that the mare would do something so I used one hand to grab the saddle behind me while still using the other to hold on at the front. Sure enough the mare came to a dead stop and kicked up her hind legs in order to toss me into the cactus. My death grip on the saddle was enough to keep me in place although now I was on my back. But we were stopped! So I sat up and grabbed the reins and pulled them back as hard as I could. The mare was not a happy camper but neither was I so I just held her like that until I could regain the stirrups. That was when I taught myself to ride by only allowing her to do one thing at a time. If she tried to trot I pulled her back into a walk. If she tried to gallop I pulled her back into a walk. By the time we returned to the farmhouse I had even managed to get her to jump over a small bush. I make no excuses for being rough on that mare because she was doing her utmost to hurt me that day but in the end I did give her a carrot for teaching me how to ride a horse, the hard way.
I just saw a commercial about a guy named Chris P. Bacon. I've seen worse. When I was in my late teens, I worked with a Chinese man whose parents had come to the US while Truman was President. So they named him in honor of Truman. His name was Harry Dong.
I knew a girl named Brenda Hoare. She had a cherry tree in her yard. I was on my way there and told my mom I was going over to the Hoare house for some fresh cherries and afterwards I'd be taking one of the girls to dinner and a movie. Mom fainted dead away.
Biggest shock my mother ever had was walking in on my gf and I having sex when I was about 17 yo. She just said, OH!, turned around and closed the door. It was never discussed. My gf wanted to keep going. LOL! Horny little sht! She hardly seemed bothered. I was mortified!!! And when your mother sees you having sex, you won't be getting an erection again for awhile. It's an unwritten law of nature.
Riding dirt bikes in the Mojave desert with a buddy, we decided to ride in the sand dunes off to the South of El Mirage dry lake. We had done a lot of riding in the flats and on the lake, but never the dunes. Well, it turns out that you can lost in sand dunes in about ten minutes. Ride to the top of a dune and all you can see are dunes. All of our landmarks were out of view. We started riding in a pattern to trace out way back, but following a pattern in dunes is near to impossible. And you have no references. This was all long before GPS or anything like that. All you had was your wits. So we came up with another bad plan that had us splitting up. But even if one of us made it out, at least someone would know where to look. Still, in no time at all we lost each other. So I decided to ride in ever expanding circles as best as I could. That was easier than a straight line. It was over 100 degrees and the sun was beating down. I was about out of water and running low on fuel. Riding in sand burns up gas very quickly. I was starting to feel a sense of panic. This was becoming life threatening and NO ONE had any idea where we were. No one would have any idea where to look. About the time I was starting to panic, I came around a dune and saw our truck right in front of me! At that same moment, I saw my buddy approaching from the opposite direction. It was a freaking miracle. So, we loaded the bikes on the trailer and parked under the only tree for ten miles in any direction. I was only about 16 [my buddy was in his early 20s] at the time but had no problem pounding down a couple of six packs after that ordeal. And boy did I get drunk!!! I got puking, passing out, falling down drunk. My buddy didn't want me puking in his truck so I fell asleep in the bed of the truck for the long ride home. The next thing I knew, a stream of water was hitting me in the face. That was my buddy's way of waking me up when we got home. I puked and puked and went through the dry heaves, and I was sunburned badly, but I was also sore as hell. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I couldn't figure out why I was so sore. So I asked George. He laughed and said yes, he was having a little fun on the drive home. He would hit the gas until I rolled back and slammed into the tailgate. Then he would hit the brake until I rolled forward and hit the front of the bed. I didn't feel a thing! And what a PAL!!!! But that's okay. I got my revenge.
These both happened to my friend 1. He was driving drunk crashed into the hedge and managed to open the door falling into the hedge with the keys in his hands and his foot caught in his seat belt. Then passed out when the police found him and woke him up he was trying to deny it. His local free paper used the headline Bushwacked. 2. He got really drunk and then whilst sleeping with his girlfriend he s*** the bed. So he got up to clean himself off and she rolled all in it. He has since married her and she still thinks it was her the did it! Shockingly he's a university professor in the UK now.
Read more here: http://www.kansascity.com/news/nation-world/article212323619.html#storylink=cpy She died last week when she fell down a set of stairs at her home in Colorado.
At age 17, not long after leaving the big city for a small town in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada, I was attacked by an animal in the woods. I had been at a friend's who lived just over the hill from me. Rather than driving around the hill to his house, I would just hike through the woods. It was only about a mile. We had been watching the movie Dawn of the Dead. I left about midnight and set out through the forest for home. And it was creepy from the start. Dark clouds slowly rolled past the otherwise bright moon, intermittently blocking its light and creating shadow play all around me. I didn't have a flashlight so I had to be careful about where I was walking. I could hear creaking sounds that I assumed were coming from the trees around me; adding to the graveyard-like atmosphere as they swayed in the breeze. This along with the movie I had just watched had me on edge. But then I heard something else... It sounded like something was moving behind me. I stopped to listen and strained to see in the dark, but didn't get a hint of anything being there. I started walking a little faster and again heard what sounded like steps behind me. I was sure I could hear it this time. So I started walking as fast as I could and the sounds behind me keep pace. I was being stalked! I started to jog and again I heard the predator pick up the pace. At that point I was sure my life was jeopardy and I started to run; run for my life. But as I ran I could hear the animal panting as it pursued me. And I could tell it was getting closer and closer. Within moments it was right behind me! My survival instincts kicked in and I knew I couldn't outrun it. I had to take this thing on. That's better than being attacked from behind. Ready for a fight to the death, I spun around and screamed at the top of my lungs. I saw something but only a blur before it hit me square in the chest. I fell to the ground waiting for the pain. Surely it was about to bite something! I was grasping in the dark trying to grab its head thinking this was a fight for life itself. And just about then, it licked me! WTF!?!? It took a moment for it to sink in, but then I knew beyond a doubt what this was. It was my buddy's dog. He was following me home and decided that we were playing.
