Values and Likes

I have known any number of situations in which a liberal woman was with a conservative man. Typically they did not get along as to how to bring up children. The woman would attack the man for damaging the child psychologically, and the man would attack the woman for destroying the structure that he wanted to put into place. In many cases both had a point.

The problem in these situations has been the discord between likes and values. The man was attracted to artistic free-spirited women; but in a marriage he wanted a traditional wife. This is a recipe for disaster for everyone, including himself. The man would get the woman he wanted, then he would be unhappy with her behaviour. He would have gone for his lusts and found it taking him into a place that he did not want to go.

These men need to figure out what they want. Do they want a cat kind of person, or do they want a dog kind of person? A cat will be expected to act like a cat. A dog will be expected to act like a dog. If you go for a cat but want her to act like a dog, this simply will not take place. Everyone will be miserable, and that will include the man himself.

The solution is to bring values and likes into accord. It is to either learn to value the artistic kind, or else learn to find the traditional kind of women attractive. In either case, the man would be acting as a single unit rather than as a bundle of conflicting motives; and in either case he – and the woman with whom he would partner – will have a much better life.

Happiness is a function of living at the intersection of one’s values and one’s likes. Living in the place of one’s values without one’s likes creates a life of grim joyless duty. Living in a place of one’s likes without one’s values takes one into the land of guilty and shameful pleasures. It is when the values and likes are in accord that happiness can be found. And that means, once again, either bringing one’s likes to accord with one’s values or bringing one’s values to accord with one’s likes.

Not all men who do what I have written about are bastards. Most however are confused, and all without exception become miserable and make others miserable as well. The solution is to reconcile one’s values and one’s likes. Either learn to like what you value or learn to value what you like. At that point happiness – and peace – can actually become possible.

 

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.

Choose wisely.

 

I think another problem is that from an early age we are handed our values. Many tend to acquiesce to a perceived authority as opposed to objectively examining whether what they have been taught is in line with an objective reality.

 

My husband is strict with out kids and I'm not. I have boundaries on how I'm treated and spoken to and therefore also respect boundaries when dealing with others, including my kids. I discuss issues with my kids and we work it out from there. (for the record my kids are very obedient, they'll even ask me if they can have a second cookie before helping themselves at ages 10 and 12). My husband is more likely to terrify them into obedience, they now say one thing to him and do another when he's not around.

My husband is responsible for his relationship with our children and I am responsible for my relationship with our children, therefore we have agreed, I do things my way and he does things his way ito childrearing and don't let it interfere with our relationship. It was better than to allow it to erode our marriage.

On the other issue ito marrying a women for her free spirit then trying to put her back in a bottle as soon as you're married, yep been there and refused. Why would I become someone boring only so my husband can yawn overtime he sees me. He came around eventually although it was rocky sometimes, we both stuck to our guns and stuck it out, I think that's the key, staying when you want to run.

I think the biggest mistake people make when they get married is to give up who they are, trying to become what the other person wants them to be, and if that person have control issues you're in for a real fight if you don't want to change. You not only lose yourself but you'll end up losing your relationship/marriage feeling like you don't know yourself.