Heard a good one lately?

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

Two bulls standing on a hilltop, gazing down at all the cows wandering about.

The young bull says:
Hey let's run down this hill and "F" one of those cows.

The Old bull replies:
Screw that.....Let's WALK down there and "F" them ALL.

 

I like them both.

 

Why did the news reporter go to the Ice Cream Shop?

To get a scoop.

 

25 years ago we had ronald Regan, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope

Now we have Obama, no cash and no hope.

 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, " $200 are you out of your mind ?"

 

There would be no Americans if it weren't for them (*)(*)(*)(*)ing Indians.

 

Here's one for the ladies.

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage

 

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.

That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........

You got nice house'

 

A fish saw a fly flying over the lake and thought to himself that if that fly were to drop down six inches he could jump up and get the fly. A fisherman on the bank was eating a sandwich and saw the fish. He thought that when the fish went after the fly he was gonna catch the fish. There was a mouse that saw the fisherman eating the sandwich, and thought to himself that when the fisherman went after the fish, he was going to drop his sandwich and then the mouse could get that sandwich. And there was a cat that saw the mouse, and thought to himself that when that mouse went after the sandwich, he was gonna get that mouse. Well sure enough, the fly dropped six inches and the fish jumped up to catch the fly, the fisherman dropped his sandwich and went after the fish, the mouse went after the sandwich, and the cat went after the mouse but missed and fell in the lake. The Moral to the story is, when a fly drops six inches, a puzzy gets wet.

 

The Dali Lama goes in Pizza Hut and asks, "Can you make me one with everything?"

 

I think I see plumbers crack in your Avatar.

 

In this months Playboy...

A woman decided to spice up her marriage, so she bought a pair of crotchless panties and went into the living room and sat on the couch where her husband was watching tv. When he noticed her, he yelled "Get up, move!" And when she did he said, "Oh, I thought you sat on the cat."