My Second Life and other Secrets

I just found out that my beloved Number One has move to another State. I guess I never will see her again. That does break my heart. I had hoped we would continue to see each other from time to time. We met for coffee about a year ago but that's the last time I saw her. She emailed to let me know she has moved.

I would give almost anything to love another woman as much as I loved Number One. Loving her was the most amazing experience of my life - the pinnacle of my life by an order of magnitude beyond anything else I have ever experienced. I would gladly give my life if I could have her for one more year.

 

14's best friend has been texting me and chewing me out for breaking up with her. That's a first.

Strange thing about her, I actually met her first - 14s friend. We were going to get together and did actually spend an afternoon together. And we had a nice time. We just talked and went out for lunch. But she is in an open relationship and it was too complicated. Then, completely by chance, I met 14. About a week later we all figured it out. LOL!

 

The reeeeeeally funny part is that she has a crush on 14 and has for years. But 14 doesn't want to have sex with her because it might change their friendship. So in a strange way she is probably jealous of me. She seems to be personally offended that I would break up with 14. But I know from 14 that she is also a control freak. So it could be ego.

 

The bottom line is, my heart is breaking because I will likely never see Number One again. My heart is breaking because I needed to end things with 14. But it just wasn't working anymore. And I didn't want to pressure her for time she doesn't have. It was a catch 22 and I feel guilty about it. But it was the only logical choice for my own sake. So then her friend goes out of her way to make me feel more guilty about it, which she did. Which then made me angry. My oh my the drama. But it was really hard and I'm not sure how things are going to work out with 15. So this was a difficult week. In a sense, I lost two women that I love.

But I have learned to appreciate the highs and the lows. It is all a part of the ride. I just need to take a deep breath, clear my mind, open my heart, and move on in my search for true love. There seems to be a good chance of something with 15 but it needs to be fairly soon. At this point, I'm really not feeling it. We have a connection but not that special spark; at least, not yet.

 

I always have to remind myself of what I believed from the start. I don't know how often one can hope to find love like I felt for Number One. But I suspect that on the average, it is luck to find it once in a lifetime. I only say this because I have dated a fair number of women, was engaged twice, and married for 25 years. And I was past the half way point in life before I ever found anything like it. Love comes in many flavors but this was a first. On top of that, I am trying to find that with a woman who is normally out of my league. So I knew that if I had any chance at all, I need to meet a lot of women. Was she one in a hundred, one in a thousand, one in a million? How many woman do I have to meet before I can hope to find that again? I knew what I was up against. It's a number's game. And I know the odds are not in my favor. That's why I've reviewed about 5000 profiles, and counting.

 

I was talking about this and this thread with my buddy last night. He has always been a supporter and jokes that he lives vicariously through me. But it is interesting how other men react to this. Generally, there are one of two reactions: They are shocked and aghast, presumably because the thought of their own daughters doing this horrifies them. So they judge. The other most common reaction is jealousy. The fact is, a lot of men out there are sexually frustrated. At first when I would share photos and stories with casual friends, they would be intrigued. But after they started seeing the women and hearing about what I do, and the reality of it sinks in, the jealousy sinks in. I have watched them progress from being very interested, to getting angry; especially young men who aren't happy with their sex life. But older guys too. If they aren't happy with their home life, what I do makes them jealous; sooner or later it shows.

Several people in this thread have accused me of making this all up. It is striking to me that my life is so unbelievable. I have shared the agony and the ecstasy. It certainly has its rewards but it isn't an easy life. When Number One left, I cried every day for two months. It takes most of what I can manage financially. I work my ass off doing this and I've taken a real beating. I've been scammed and used and abused. I been lied too more times than I can count. I've wasted countless hours getting burned on dates in a wide variety of manner - from a 300 lb woman showing up when I was expecting a hottie, to no shows, scams, dirty hippies, and even a transsexual posing as a woman. But none of that matters. At a core level, it gets to some men - the hot women. Every now and then I have to step back and remind myself that what is now normal for me, goes beyond the boundaries of belief for others. It all helps to reaffirm that even though it can be difficult and heartbreaking at times, I have managed to create a pretty incredible lifestyle.

My text to 14s friend brings it all home. I don't have time to waste. These are the only good years that I have left.

 

There is a fourth category which is confused disbelief and relative disgust. Sharing this points to something off kilter whether true or false as it points to some sort of sexual deviant if true and a sad child if not....basically either way you are labelled rather mental by the sane.

 

The joys of life are nothing more than chemical reactions in your brain that you have no control over. Once you realize that, you can settle down and be miserable for the rest of your life.

PS. I have always regretted that I was not born an eagle instead of a naked ape. I was born to soar the skies..... not rot away in front of a computer.

 

Your mindset likely creates the dissatisfaction displayed and your perceived lack of control over happiness.
I wish you luck going forward.

 

Jealous. That is why you obsess on something you allegedly don't believe.

I'm just telling my story as it happened and as it happens. I pour my heart out.

What are you doing? Why do you obsess with taking cheap shots at me page after page after page? Is your life really so sad?

Sexual deviant? I was once as naive as you. Most of what I've done was at the lady's request, btw. If you actually took the time to read my posts you would know that.

 

Time and time again I have explained that I fell madly in love; more in love than I thought possible. I had the best three years of my life and now I'm trying to find that kind of all-consuming love again. I want to find incapacitating love with a woman who literally makes my knees weak. I want to stop breathing when I see her. I want to melt at the sound of her voice.I want to have an out-of-body experience when I look deeply into her eyes. I want to look around and never see anyone who is as beautiful as the woman I love. I want an angel... a goddess. A woman for whom I would do anything. A woman who leaves me without any self control when it comes to her. I want to be helpless in her presence. I found that once and I hope I can find it again. THAT is what this is all about.

 

PS. I ended things with 15. We seemed to have a real connection at first. I liked her and we had a nice time, or a great time. But there just wasn't any magic. I just told her the truth. All of the above but we just aren't connecting in the way I thought we might. She said she was bummed but she understood. From a practical standpoint, she was great. But I fell in love with Number One in about five minutes. I don't expect love at first sight again but I've learned to recognize quickly when we just don't have the special energy that makes this more than friend with benefits.

 

I suppose I am simply prudish and find the situations you describe a bit unsavory. As for being jealous....I am quite content with my beautiful and perfect wife.

 

You have mentioned your wife before. And I'm glad for you. I wasn't so lucky. I got screwed in more ways than I can count. I lost all of the most important people in my life to death, drugs or alcohol. I watched my mother suffer horribly for years and years before she finally died. I sat alone for ten years working myself to death - trying to save my business after the crash and working 80 hour weeks as the norm. Finally, after months of planning, I put a gun to my head and tried to pull the trigger. From there I did what I needed to do. I regained the will to live. I got in shape and got my health back. And I threw myself into an alien world with reckless abandon. I took chances. I got burned, used, abused, deceived and scammed, and probably few other things. But I learned with each experience. At first what was driving me was the will to live. But when I met Number One, I experienced more joy than I thought possible. And after three incredible years during which I savored every moment, she needed to move on, as I knew she would one day. And I have been looking to find something like that again ever since.

Along the way I have learned more about human sexuality and sex, than in 25 years of marriage and 10 years of dating. I too have been surprised by many aspects of this lifestyle. But when I put that gun to my head, everything changed including my perspective. I have learned to appreciate the animal in all of us. It is a part of what we are. It is what I needed in order to regain the will to survive. But society teaches us not to be honest about sexuality.

You say unsavory. I call it a celebration of life.

 

Something cool - I've been asked for dating advice from time to time. A young guy I work with frequently is from the middle east and hasn't had any luck dating. He had heard that I do pretty well with women so he asked me for advice. So I explained to him my concept of playing the numbers. The internet is a numbers game. You are just one fish in a very big ocean. So you can't pursue internet dating like meeting someone in person. You have to contact as many women as possible AND take the time to actually read their profiles. You have to spend a lot of time reading and responding. Hot women get hammered with responses as soon as they put up photos. But a guy who really takes the time to learn about THEM, will often get their attention.

Some women will actually drop a key word in their profile and tell you to say it if you message, so she knows you took the time to read her profile. LOL!

The second thing was to always meet for coffee on the first date. It takes off the pressure. It isn't really a commitment to a regular date. So women are more receptive to meeting the first time. Also, it gives you a chance to see if you might really click in a very casual setting.

Today he made a point to come over and tell me that it worked. He got his first date since coming to this country - a coffee date.

 

I will be as tactful as possible because this story is about as unsavory as any in my arsenal. But it was an amazing moment. After my first trip to Reno [where prostitution is legal] I realized that I needed to adjust to this new experience. A man my age [approaching 50] being with gorgeous women in their early twenties - after going ten years without sex and giving up on the idea in a horrible marriage - was to be blunt, overwhelming. I never imagined myself in this situation. On one occasion, when two gorgeous young women walked into my room , I had to sit down before my legs gave out. It was truly almost too much for my mind to grasp. So I decided I needed to go to boot camp. I needed to adjust to being with naked, young, gorgeous women. I needed to be comfortable and not feel like I'm about to pass out.

I jokingly say that I went to hot-babe boot camp. For the first time in my life, I went to a strip club. I just happened to hit on the best place in the State [lots of gorgeous dancers and pretty classy, all things considered] where I quickly met a stripper I will call Barber - this because she ended up being my barber for the next two years. She was a stunningly beautiful blonde and we hit it off right away. Of course, all men hit it off with strippers, right? LOL! But not really. We immediately had about a thousand things to talk about and became friends outside of the club. But the fact is, she was hot hot hot. I then experienced a lap dance for the first time. Wow! I wasn't expecting that!!! Full nudity and she was allowing me to touch her respectfully. I really wasn't prepared for this. It was far more erotic than I ever imagined. And beyond a doubt, she got a little hot. Being as delicate as I can here, my pant leg was very damp in the place where she has been sitting.

I literally staggered out and had to sit down. I wanted to leave because I was wiped out. It was intense. But I wasn't safe to drive for a time. I felt like I had just taken a drug. And I did! I was high on oxytocin! But I finally made it home. The next morning, I grabbed my pants and noticed they were moist. I didn't really remember that they were damp after the lap dance, so I took a sniff to see what it was. I was expecting it to be beer. I figured someone had spilled on me. When I smelled it, when I smelled her, without any thought, I spontaneously and unintentionally produced this deep, wild, guttural, primal growl. I swear, I growled like a lion. I didn't even know I could produce a sound like that. It was from the core. And I knew at that moment, it was an awakening. It was an awakening of part of me that I thought was long gone. I could feel it. It was amazing. I was literally coming back to life.

 

- What a joke. I can't stop laughing.

 

Just curious, why do you feel sharing your personal life on a political forum, is appropriate? Yeah, I know, 'you don't have to read it' and all that, but it's almost like you need approval of your romantic life, such as it is, in order to carry on.

 

LOL! How much approval do I get here? I do it in spite of the replies I get. I generally hate to even read the replies because there is a 95% chance that it will be someone taking a cheap shot, or making false accusations, or judging me by whatever standards, without EVER getting the point.

I do it because it saved my life and this is a forum for personal experiences. I do it because it's cathartic and an ongoing search. I tell my story so other men in the position I was in, can see there is a way out. I tell my story because it's interesting, as is evidenced by the hit rate. I tell my story because I can't tell most other people and I don't know how it turns out. This is the grand experiment of my life.

The number one group for suicide is middle-age men. And I came about as close as you can get. But for every story like mine, who knows how many men pulled the trigger.

The number one group for suicide is middle-age men. And I have a pretty good idea why. I've been talking about it for 24 pages.

After I came back to life, I began to look around and saw men everywhere who are just like I was. I call them the walking dead.

I will tell you that I've been posting about my experiences for 7 years; here and elsewhere. Over that time, perhaps a dozen men have thanked me for helping them to change their lives. Two said I may have saved their lives. Like I was, like so many men, they were just waiting to die.

Funny, not long ago I talked to a friend with whom I haven't talked in 30 years. That was literally one of the first things he said. He's just waiting to die.

 

A few more thoughts:
I consider what has happened to me to be nothing short of a miracle. Were I to find out that my first sugar baby was really an angel sent to save me, I wouldn't be surprised. It sounds silly but it's the truth.

I have learned a lot along the way. It is in my nature to share to what I've learned. And I have learned many amazing things. I also have learned to appreciate the state of being human in ways I never did before. Sometimes we need to embrace our primal selves.

I wish I had known a long time ago what I know now. I wish I had known that it was possible to love someone so much. The notion of love at first sight, soulmates, kindred spirits, call it what you will, all speaks to the same idea. There are many kinds of love. But there are special people who may only come along once in a lifetime. Don't doubt it for a moment! It's real.

I met my first SB for coffee a little over a year ago. Three years after we stopped seeing each other, and after getting heavily into things like past lives and other spiritual beliefs, she had decided that we were married in a past life and that we are eternal soulmates. But we weren't meant to be together in this lifetime. I found it interesting that after all that time, she needed an explanation for what we had. She had clearly been talking with other people about it. So it affected both of us profoundly. I worry that it truly was a once in a lifetime meeting. I would give almost anything to love someone that much again.

 

Oh yes, I almost forgot the most important part: Be fearless and amazing things happen.

In fact Number One once told me that the mere fact that I had the nerve to pursue her like I did, is part of what attracted her. That is part of what won her over. I was 30 years her elder; and even 30 years ago she was still out of my league. But with my newfound reckless abandon in life, I didn't care. I just went for it. She told me that she admired my bravery. So not only does it work, it becomes a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I think these are lessons worth sharing.

 

Thank you for responding. If you feel it's helping others, then so be it. There are many ways to clear the fog in one's life, this is the first time I have ever saw 'sugar baby' involvement as the key.

 

Girls have cooties!

 

I haven't been seeing anyone lately.15 and I just didn't have the magic and I needed a break. Funny enough, I have a crush on my assistant at work. And she has the hots for me! She is incredibly smart and we have fantastic chemistry. We have the magic. I could fall in love with her easily. She is also the same age as Number One [now], which I find funny. I just seem to hit it off with women that age. But she is married so we are both just enjoying our close time together and respecting boundaries otherwise. But I must admit, when she makes an excuse to lean across and be close to me, my heart starts to race.

But what has been in my thoughts over the last few days is the day that changed my life. Seven years ago I met Number One. I looked into her eyes and lost control of my life. I fell more in love that I thought possible, in a moment. And I feel it today just as I did then. In some ways that seems like a lifetime ago. But it is and will always be the defining moment of my life. It was the most powerful experience of my life. In a moment my life was changed forever. And I came to know a love greater than anything I had ever imagined.

I thought about emailing her and sending a thought. However, she is with someone else now. It doesn't seem right. But I still love her more than life itself. And I guess I always will.

 

One day is worth a thousand tomorrows - Ben Franklin. A truth I came to know.