This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk. A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter. Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed. He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested. The Englishman answers with a bit of humour, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?"
You should tell that as if it's a true story. The way you know if it worked is by how far your listener's/victim's toe is pushed up your behind
How can you tell when a Blonde is having a stressful day at work? Answer: There is a tampon stuck behind her ear as she desperately is looking for her pen! AboveAlpha
Ya, I admit that I fell for it so I thought I'd pass it along. No I didn't put my toe anywhere on or in the teller's body. However I am searching for a good one for pay back.
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered SPINE are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
One of my former Team members is from down way south in the lower 48. We were doing a JOB in this place where it rains a LOT and I mean it starts raining one day and does not stop for months!! My Team Member was somewhat of a Red Neck and as we got to the top of this hill to scan the valley below I could see rumbling storm clouds in the distance and I said to him...."Man! Does that sky look foreboding?" My Team Member in a very heavy Southern Drawl said to me...."Fer Boatin'? Now why in tarnation would ya thank dat anybody wud wants to go a Boatin" wit da damn sky lookin' like dat? Dat der HELL ain't no sky I wud wants to spend my day a Boatin'!!!" AboveAlpha
My Buddy tells me that his wife hates giving him Oral Sex and that he feels like he has to force her to do it.. So I ask him...."How do you know she feels like that? Have you asked her about it?" He says to me that he doesn't have to ask her and that he just KNOWS. So I ask him...."Well....how do you know?" He says to me....."I know from watcher her eat a banana." I ask him...."How does she eat a banana?" He says to me..."Watch this." My buddy goes into the kitchen and grabs a ripe banana....walks past me and says...."She really loves bananas."......then he slides open the glass door that leads to the patio where his wife is doing some weeding and he says to her....."Here honey....you haven't eaten yet and you know how grouchy you are when your sugar level gets low."....then he hands her the banana....and he closes the sliding glass door and says to me...."Watch this." His wife holds the banana with her left hand and then begins the peal the banana in 4 spots so that 3/4 of the length of the fruit is exposed.....then while holding the banana with her left hand takes her right hand and puts it behind her head....then she grabs on very hard to a clump of her own hair at the back of her head....opens her mouth wide....and forces her head down hard slamming the banana deep down her throat and then she begins choking! I started laughing and said...."I guess she really doesn't like Oral Sex but she sure loves bananas!!" LOL!!! My Buddy says...."Yeah...well it's not so funny. Last week I had to call an ambulance cause she almost died...it seems she also really LOVES ZUCCHINI!!!" AboveAlpha
The Missing Letter 'R' A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copiesnot from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says; "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves under the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot. So the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees the old monk banging his head against the wall and wailing . . . "We missed the 'R!' We missed the 'R!' We missed the bloody 'R!'" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old Abbot; "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was . . . 'CELEBRATE!'
Here's mine: A father and his 6 yr old son were walking in the park and see 2 dogs mating. "Daddy, Daddy, what are those dogs doing?" Well, son, they're making puppies. The boy thinks about this for a bit and they keep walking. Later that night the man and his wife are going at it in their bedroom. The son hears noises from outside the room and walks in on them. "Daddy!! Daddy, what are you doing?" Well, son, we are making babies.. The boy thought about it and said...."Hey dad, could you turn her over? I want a puppy."
Guy finds a Lamp on the beach and rubs it and out pop's a GENIE!! The Genie tells this guy that he get's 3 wishes...and the guy thinks to himself...."OK...I know that people who get wishes from a Genie always get tricked so I will ask for things that can help me make money!" Guy say's....."Genie....I want to have the body and look like Pierce Brosnan....Genie blinks and BAM....the guy is handsome and 6 foot 2!" Next the guy say's...."Genie I want to live for 300 years!" Genie blinks and the guy feels very healthy and the genie tells him he will live for 300 years! Now the guy thinks long and hard and he finally say's....."Genie....I want to own the worlds largest Foreign Auto Dealership in one of the Largest and most populous cities on Earth!" Genie blinks and BAM...the Genie tell's the guy....."OK!! You are now the owner of a massive Chrysler Dealer in the city of TOKYO!!! AboveAlpha
The Nun. A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them: "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "(*)(*)(*)(*) off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?!!"
From Cheech and Chong. Cheech say's.....Hey Man....I walked up to this old Mexican man sitting down against the side of a building next to his donkey and I asked him what time it was. The old man was sitting right behind the Donkey and he grabs the Donkeys balls and lifts them up like he's weighing them and say's to me while he's holding the Donkey's balls...."Ehhh Senor.....it's about.....3:30." I looked at him and said....."Hey old Man....that's pretty good!! How can you tell the time by holding the Donkey's balls like that!!??" Then the old man look's at me and say's...."Oh Senor it's easy!! First you put your hand out like this....then you grab the Donkey's balls like that.....then you lift up the Donkey's balls a little.....then I can see that clock right over there...." AboveAlpha
Since Pirates are still used as costumes on Halloween, I thought I'd share this pirate joke: Two pirates, Mort and Sol meet at a bar. Mort sees Sol come in and notices he's got a peg leg, a hook arm and a patch over his eye. "Sol, what happened to ye matey? What's with your leg?" asks Mort. "Me Pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped of me leg. Now I got this peg instead" Sol matter of factly says. "And the hook?" asks Mort. "Ah, after me ship sank, a shark bit off me arm. Now I've got this hook." "What about the eye then?" asks Mort. "Well, I was standin' on a pier and the biggest sea gull I ever saw pooped in me eye!" "But Sol," says Mort, "you don't lose an eye from sea gull poop." "Aye," says Mort, "it was me first day with the hook."
This young woman who had broken up with her boyfriend and had not had sex in a year finally decided to go out to bar to have a few drinks. Her boyfriend had left her because he said her breasts were too small and as she drank down her 6th shot of Jack Daniels after drinking her 8th beer she decided to go to the ladies room and accidentally walked into the men's room were she saw a LEPRECHAUN who was very drunk trying to keep himself standing while using the urinal. She said..."OH! Excuse me! I am so sorry I thought this was the ladies room!" The LEPRECHAUN grumbled and said..."No problem girl." The young woman stopped as she was leaving and turned around and asked this small man..."Excuse me...but are you a LEPRECHAUN?" The tiny man dressed up in green with shamrocked vest said..."Well what the HELL do you think I am dressed up like this for girl!!?" The young woman began to cry and told the LEPRECHAUN about how her boyfriend had left her because of her small breasts and that it would mean the world to her if the LEPRECHAUN would grant her her wish of having 38 Double D's. The tiny man looked back at her as he continued to urinate and said..."All right lass...I will grant you your wish of big breasts under one condition!" Then the LEPRECHAUN turned around and faced her displaying a 16 inch long and 4 inch thick monster penis and said...."If you allow me lass to have anal sex with ya I will grant your wish!" The young woman was scared looking at such a large penis and cried out...."I can't do it you are way too big!"...and then she ran back out to the bar crying. The young woman continued to drink heavily and she watched as the LEPRECHAUN got up to go back into the men's room as he too had been drinking heavily....and that's when she told herself..."I will DO IT!" She came into the men's room and told the LEPRECHAUN that she had agreed to have anal sex with him and the diminutive man brought her into a stall and spit in his hand and proceeded to penetrate her anus. The young woman was in agony and yelled out...."MY GOD THIS HURTS!! Are you sure my wish of large breasts will take?" The small man said...."Of course I am sure my lass!! Just as sure as there is such a thing as a LEPRECHAUN!!" AboveAlpha
HALLOWEEN JOKE OF THE DAY!!!! My buddy was telling me about this 20 year old hot blonde with large breasts that moved in next to him and she asked him a few days ago if he would care to go to a Halloween Party with him last night. My buddy said yes of course and they both did a lot of shots at the party and when he brought her home they were both smashed and she asked him if he would like to come over to her house and he said yes. He told me they had a drink and then started kissing and it got hot and heavy and they moved to her bedroom and as he walked in he said that her entire bedroom was just FILLED floor to ceiling with a large number of STUFFED ANIMALS!!! He said their were shelves all along her bedroom walls from floor to ceiling with teddy bears and unicorns and toy cats and dogs and he got a good chuckle out of it but they both got into bed and had sex for about an hour. After an hour of sex my buddy asks this 20 year old super hot blonde with very large breasts..."So....how did I do?" He said the girl looked at him and said...."You can chose any prize on the bottom shelf." AboveAlpha
Simeon and Jacob were walking on the beach refreshing their feet with the water reaching the sand. Seagulls were passing by over them. Suddenly Simeon observed a dead seagull on the sand a little far away from them. Hey, Jacob, look! A dead seagull. Jacob rose up his head and asked: Where... where..?
See? You open a topic for "stupid jokes", which means that the jokes themselves must be stupid. I made a stupid joke and you laughed. I changed it into a good joke and... well, OK. The patient returned back to the doctors office with great curiosity. -Doctor, you told me Capricorn, right?... Capricorn -No, said the doctor - I told you Cancer... Cancer!
OK...sort of like.....I said to the Doctor...."Doc...it hurts when I do this!" The Doctors said...."Then don't do that!" AboveAlpha
