Tasteless Humor II The Second One.

A young boy was watching a worm crawl out of its hole in the ground when his grandfather spotted him

“I’ll give you a dollar if you can get that worm back in it’s hole” the grandfather said

The boy thought for a minute ran upstairs to his mothers bedroom grabber her hairspray came back and sprayed the worm and zip! It slid straight into the hole

“Bright boy!” Said the grandad “Here’s your dollar”.

The next day the grandad came up the the boy again and said “Here’s your dollar for that worm trick” the boy, being honest said “But grandad you already gave me a dollar”

“Yep” said the grandad “But that one is from your grandmother!”

 

My wife texted me while she was out shopping. "Does this dress make me look fat?" she texted.
"Noooooo," I replied. Unfortunately autocorrected changed it to, "Mooooo"...
To cut a long story short, can anyone put me up for the night?

 

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "Oh, $2,000 a week." "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno.

 

Dave Chappelle special is one of the funniest things I've seen in years.

 

Two thirds of 2019 gone and I have succeeded in all but one of my New Year resolutions:
1. Stop drinking - Done
2. Stop smoking - Done
3. Stop being so lazy and get a job - Done
4. Find a sexy girlfriend - Done
5. Stop being a compulsive liar - Not yet

 

A man and a woman are having dinner in a restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, spots that the man is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. As the waitress watches, the man slides all the way under and out of sight. Still, the woman dining opposite him appears not to notice. Finally, the waitress comes over to the table and whispers discreetly to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." "No, he didn't," the woman calmly replies. "He just walked in the door."

 

First date: She: so what do you do?
Me: I'm currently working to kill all cancers.
She: Impressive!
Me: Then I'll move to Virgos.

 

So shallow
So vain
So hollow without a brain
Fore to not see years
And grow wiser
But to see your own butt
Grow wider
True however
Youth is wasted on the young
They're wet behind the ears
Inexperienced and dumb
So if you hop on to a Hip Hop Hippo and break your hip
And have to be driven to hospital not in the back of a limo
Then lay there glad the morphine is covered
Unlike the hospital bill after you've recovered

 

This time next year...
Prime minister "These bedbugs are killing me and we can't go anywhere because of the hirricane. I bet Putin's room doesn't have any."
Aide looking out the window "Not to worry, Hurricane Donald has already risen the water level to the door. It's only a matter of time before the bedbugs are drowned in sea water."
Prime minister "But won't we be drowned too?"
Aide "Of course not, Trump said that he has plans for this."
Meanwhile in New Jersey "I scored a six, no five, wait a four on this hole. Best round ever."

 

I can always tell when someone is lying by just looking at them.

I can also tell when they are standing.

 

A Russian wrestler and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off ...

Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel hold' he has, so whatever you do, don't let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished!" The Newfie nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Newfie and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew what was lost. He just couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, and then a cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done that before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

"So," the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Not really," said the wrestler. "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own testicles."

 

I find myself at a loss for words to describe my feelings after reading that. I laughed, I cried and I even whimpered a little.

 

One for Sallyally

https://nypost.com/2019/09/04/thous...f-vegan-who-sued-neighbors-over-smelly-meats/

 

Someone should stroll over to her house and tell her that it's all from Herbivorous Butcher: The vegan butcher. It's entirely her head that the smell is offensive.

The best fake meat available in Australia.

 

• For every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

 

Prorogued is an anagram of rogue prod.
They are barely even trying to disguise it...