One day, at a local cafe, a man suddenly calls out: "Help! My son's choking! He swallowed a dollar coin. Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stands up and announces that he's quite experienced at this sort of thing. He steps over with almost no look of concern at all, wraps his hands around the boy's testicles and squeezes. The boy screams in pain, but out pops the coin. The man then goes back to his table as though nothing has happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cries. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replies the man. "I work for the Tax Office."
Two nuns were ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last instruction from Mother Superior is that they mustn't get any paint on their habits. After confering about this for a while the two nuns decide to lock the door, strip off their habits and paint the room in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock on the door. "Who's there" calls out one of the nuns. "The blind man" replies the voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug deciding no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.... "Nice Tits" says the man "now where do you want these blinds?"
An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar in London one night, having beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice." The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either. The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
How do blind skydivers know when to pull the cord for their parachute The lead for the guide dog goes slack
1. The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot. 2. When a kid says, "Daddy, I want mommy," that's the kid version of, "I'd like to speak to your supervisor." 3. It's weird being the same age as old people. 4. Just once I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH. 5. If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works. 6. Do you ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think... "That can't be accurate?!" 7. Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people. 8. If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble. 9. We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages... Metamucil and Ensure. 10. You know you are getting old when "friends with benefits" means having someone who can drive at night. 11. Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time. 12. After watching how some people wear their masks I understand why contraception fails. 13. Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile, I am watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor. 14. For those of you that don't want Alexa listening in on your conversation they are making a male version. It doesn't listen to anything. 15. I just got a present labelled, "From Mom and Dad," and you know darn well Dad has no idea what's inside. 16. Now that I have lived through a plague, I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are full of fat people
