Tasteless Humor II The Second One.

I know a bunch of these... What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of a door? Matt.

Lying in a swamp? Pete

Lying in a pile of leaves? Russell.

Lying in a hole? Doug.

Lying on top of Doug? Phil.

Cooking in a pot? Stu.

 

What do you call four Hispanics in quicksand? Quatro cinco.

 

The Polish Government got tired of all the jokes being made and decided to do something about it. Their top scientists and engineers got together to make an announcement and had a worldwide news conference.

"We Are Going To The Sun!" they proclaimed with pride. Mars or the Moon are too easy they boasted.

The Press asked how they could do this as they would burn up before even getting close and the chief scientist replied.

" Idiots....We Are Going At Night".

 

CNN was covering the story of a shark attack in Maui. As they ran various photos of sharks, they slipped in [accidentally or not] a photo of Alec Baldwin doing trump. LOL!

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes.
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.

 

What do you call a one legged woman?
Ilene
What do you call a one legged Japanese womam?
Irene

 

I hate living with this fear of not knowing if you're going to be attacked, stabbed, even killed for reasons and beliefs that are totally beyond any sane man.
.
.
.
F**king PMT.

 

Haha.

 

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, he's not going to come anyway.

 

Roll over.

 

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished ...
... came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

 

If I had a dollar for every gender I could buy 2 things from the dollar store.

 

So day 69 of #Sexstrike again, something's smelly fishy.

 

Jeremy Kyle Staff "smoked weed with guests, encouraged them to take drugs and plied them with booze" Now they ****ing tell me!

 

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate When things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end.
"I Have been diagnosed with AIDS. "
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone.

 

You strike me as an ideal Jeremy Kyle show candidate

 

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar ...
... loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen.
Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.

"What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.

She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.
"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!"

 

I'm not classy enough

 

Haha

 

I've got some money coming to me.
The 56 year old inside me wants to buy a basic spec new car
The 40 year old inside me wants to buy a higher spec nearly new car
The 20 year old inside me wants to but a second hand Kawasaki and spend the rest on drink and drugs.

 

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back,”

 

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad ...

...and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

 

Woman went to the doctor.. she said "Doctor.. my husband thinks he's a dog, he's running around on all fours, barking and yelping and eating the dog food" , the doctor says.. "don't worry, he'll get over it after awhile".
A week later the woman came into the Dr's office and said "Doctor, my husband is dead." the Doctor said "oh, no! Did he have a reaction to the dog food?" The lady said "No .. he was licking his prick in the driveway and I backed over him"

 

What do you call a redneck lying in bed with 5 guns?

An orgy.

 

Now we know what Natalie Portman didn't study as an 18 year old..... Moby Dick