Tasteless Humor

I was just clearing out the attic today and I found a wrapped present I forgot to give the kids last Christmas.
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They would have loved that puppy.

 

To celebrate Christmas, birthday of the holiest man to have lived, I'm going to get drunk at 10am and spend the rest of the day stuffing food into my face until I feel physically sick, then passout after the bond movie.

 

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

 

I said to my wife, "Honey, what's the end of this well known phrase? An elephant...never..."
"Forgets," she said, confidently.
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One nil.

 

I have an idea for a new social media site, it's called Macebook
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It's for rapists.

 

I'm never smoking weed with immigrants again. I asked who had papers and they all took off running.

 

David Frost nails the intro the bit with John Travolta made me spit my tea out

 

I took my lad to see Father Christmas yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.
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God knows what Father Christmas thought of him.

 

My ideal Girlfriend would be the head of Emma Watson, the boobs of Keley Cuoco and the legs of Gal Gadot.
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All joined up, not in separate bits in a bag obviously.

 

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women – and baffled blokes.
Now, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.
The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

· Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

· She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to Bunning's.

· She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder . I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

· Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

· "Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

· "I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

· "Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

· I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

· "Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.

· "Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

· "Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

 

Erm, can you post me a copy..

 

Since WWII there has always been a guaranteed peace between Italy and it's neighbour France . War is impossible.
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The Italians would swap sides as soon as it started, then the French would surrender.

 

“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought the Bluray set"

 

I stayed in an islamic hotel on each of the pillows was a phrase .
Shahada: Faith
Salah: Prayer.
Zakāt: Charity.
Sawm: Fasting.
Hajj: pilgrimage to Mecca.
They were the five pillows of islam.
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The bed also had a blow up mattress

 

Right on the nail with UHT milk, don't screw with an Englishman's tea.

 

Now that I finished writing my biography of Paul Gadd Up the Sh*tter with Gary Glitter it's time to work on Saville's Row....

 

What can the rise and reign of this century's most feared politician teach us about life, work and love? Rob Sears shows how the machinations that enabled Putin to dominate the Kremlin and undermine the United States could also help you take control of your mundane life. How would you like to ruin your enemies by sharing compromising material about that time they didn't wash their hands? Or annex territory by claiming the office supplies closet at work as your personal empire? Up for hack democracy at the parent-teacher association to ensure you're a shoo-in for social secretary? Or serving up a cold dish called revenge in a fancy restaurant?

Filled with stories from Putin's extraordinary time in power, and ideas and illustrations to help you emulate him on a small scale, Vladimir Putin: Life Coach is the ultimate guide to releasing the pseudo-elected, judo black-belt, 5D chess-playing autocrat inside each and every one of us.

 

I will not mess up this omelette! I will not mess up this omelette! I will not mess up this omelette!
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I will enjoy these scrambled eggs!!

 

A Demon tried to inhabit my body:
Demon: “What the **** ?”
Me: “I know right”.
Demon: “Why does everything hurt?”
Me: “I Don’t know it’s been like that for a while now”.
Demon: “You seriously live like this?”
Me: “Yeah”.
Demon: “**** this I’m back off to hell”.

 

I've decided to give up procrastinating for Lent!

 

Somebody once accused me of being indecisive but I can't make up my mind if I am or not.

 

Pretty pleased yesterday was my first day installing new software for O2, the boss hasn't called so it must be OK

 

How is fat acceptance a movement while nobody moves?