Puntastic!

Discussion in 'Humor & Satire' started by Orwell, Jun 9, 2017.

  1. Jonsa

    Jonsa Well-Known Member

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    shouldn't that be "the beatings will continue even IF morale improves."

    Had a boss like that once - once.
     
  2. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Well-Known Member

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    A shirt worn by Mac employees in the early days.

    [​IMG]
     
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  3. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member

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    If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
     
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  4. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Well-Known Member

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    Punnetical observations.

    Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

    Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

    Hot-water heaters are not hot-water heaters. They are cold-water heaters.

    Many people will take meat out of the freezer to dethaw it. If you dethaw something you freeze it. [likely a twist on bethaw - to thaw - german origins]

    The word is prostrate, not prostate! And prostate, not prostrate!

    The first time a radio antenna was turned on and pointed towards the heavens to be used like a telescope, there was something causing radio noise no matter where they pointed the antenna. They finally decided it was due to bird poop from the many birds that had been nesting inside the antenna. But they cleaned the antenna and it didn't fix the problem. It turned out to that it was the cosmic background radiation - the radio echo and fingerprint of the Big Bang. Religious fundamentalists still think it was bird poop.
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2017
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  5. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Well-Known Member

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    There is a new electric car coming out that beats the price of the competition by 50%. And NO BATTERIES!!! The killer is the price of the extension cord.
     
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  6. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member

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    I have an Epipen.
    My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
     
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  7. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Well-Known Member

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    Himmler to Trump: Trump, I served with Adolf. I knew Adolf. Trump, you're no Hitler!
     
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2017
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  8. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member

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    Paper bag goes to see the doctor. "Doctor, I've got a terrible disease" he said.
    "I'm afraid it's hereditary" the doctor replied "Your mother may have been a carrier"
     
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  9. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Well-Known Member

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    The happiest man in America: Sean Spicer
     
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  10. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member

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    A doctor told me that there are seven million Americans who are overweight. But I think those might just be round figures.
     
  11. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Well-Known Member

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    True: A former FBI agent named Michael German went undercover with white supremacist groups.

    That's kind of funny.

    In knew a guy named Joe Economy who was head of finance for a company [long gone by now I'm sure]

    I also worked with an American-born Chinese man whose parents moved here while Truman was President. So in honor of President Truman, he was named Harry - Harry Dong.
     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2017 at 7:23 PM
  12. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member

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    Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
    A: After the accident?
    Q: Before the accident.
    A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

    http://www.jokesclean.com/Legal/
     
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  13. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Well-Known Member

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    A problem was discovered with Magnetic Resonance Imagine [MRI] machines. The intense magnetic field used for the studies causes iron in the blood to retain a magnetic field after the study is complete.

    This results in magnetosis. Symptoms include the strong tendency to walk North.

    [I've managed to hook a good number of medical doctors with this one - I didn't give the punch line until they were worried]
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2017 at 6:12 AM
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  14. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Well-Known Member

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    They keep saying Trump has lost his bearings.

    They mean his marbles.
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2017 at 3:21 AM
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  15. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member

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    Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
     
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  16. Orwell

    Orwell Active Member

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  17. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member

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    Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
     
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  18. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Well-Known Member

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    Alt-Right
    Delete
     
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  19. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member

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    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
     
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  20. Orwell

    Orwell Active Member

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    I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.

    What’s the point?
     

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