Tasteless Humor II The Second One.

It's that time of year again

 

Several racehorses are in a stable.

One on them starts boasting about his track record. "Of my last 15 races," he says, "I've won eight."
Another horse breaks in, " Well I've won 19 of my last 27!"
"That's good, but I've taken 28 of 36, " says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, a greyhound who's been sitting nearby listening says, "I don't mean to boast, but of my last 90 races, I've won 88."
The horses are clearly amazed. "WOW," says one horse after a prolonged silence, "a talking dog!"

 

Yeah, I'm using that one in class on day one.

 

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant...
... he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.
Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.
As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.
"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.
"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

 

One day, Hercules, Snow White and the Quazzimodo (Hunchback of Notre Dame) were standing around talking. Hercules spoke up and said, "I bet I am the strongest man in the world."

Snow White then looked around and said, "Well I bet that I am the most beautiful person in the world."

Then Quazzimodo looks around and quietly said, "I suppose that I am the ugliest man in the world."

An old man who had been listening in on there conversation said, "There is a psychic on top of that hill up there, why don't you each go in there and ask her yourself?"

The three friends agreed and they hiked to the top of the hill. Hercules went in first and came out a few minutes later and said, "I was right, I am the strongest man in the world."

Snow White went in next. She came out a few minutes later and said, "I was also right, I am the most beautiful person in the world."

Finally it was Quazzimodo's turn. He went in and after a few minutes he came out scratching his head. He looks up at his friends and said:

"Who is Barack Obama?"

 

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in.

 

A Canadian is holidaying in Wales when his car starts blowing out smoke so he pulls over to investigate.
Whilst peering under the hood a local farmer walking by comes over, takes a look and says to the tourist
''you've blown a seal''
''so what'' comes the reply ''you bugger sheep, is the car going to get me home?''

 

How fights start ...

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________


My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No”, she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

______________________________



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first ... the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway"

The doctors say I will walk again, once my testicles descend, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started.

______________________________ __


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our forthcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 225 in about 2 seconds."

I bought her bathroom scales.

And then the fight started.

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt"

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability too."

And then the fight started.

______________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

I replied, "Your eyesight's perfect."

And then the fight started.

______________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started.

 

Michelle would have been a better punch line. (Quasimodo)

Why do psychics get into traffic accidents?

 

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes
Gull wing

Frank Sinatra

 

This is genius

 

Iron.
Washing machine.
Vacuum cleaner.

 

Nonnie , I think you’ve got hold of the wrong end of the stick.

 

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, "I want to be President one day."

Trump says, "Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?"

The kid replies, "You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements."

 

https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/a7DdBOr_460sv.mp4

 

What's 6 inches and disturbing?

**sorry, can't post punchline or it'll get moderated**

 

Now Donald Trump has become President, he'll be the first man to use fake tan inside the Oval Office.

Clearly, orange is the new black.

 

https://babylonbee.com/news/plan-to...lled-after-they-find-out-how-cold-it-is-there

 

Did you know the pages of history for JFK's tenure are stuck together

 

That’s disgusting.

 

How many Donald Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

Look, we can change the light bulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the light bulb really dead?". That's what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The light bulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.

 

Q:Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under 'fiction'.

Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a place to live.

 

The official pastor of the House of Representatives, said a prayer casting out the spirits of darkness and divisiveness. When he finished, he raised his hands to the heavens and called for all present to join him in prayer. The hall fell silent. As the camera panned the room, it was seen that everyone was gone.

 

This is the actual event.



It is amazing. There is a flash of light and poof, the place is empty.