I read in Psychology today that in every group of friends, one is willing to commit murder. I suspected Tony, so I took him out before he could kill anyone.
Whenever I run into difficulties in life, I look at the picture of my ex I keep in my wallet. I am comforted b the knowledge that if I could survive 15 years of marriage to this psychopath, whatever this problem is can't be that bad.
I have a friend named Ian. He is a bad person. He wanted a son. When his daughter was born, he named her Lilian.
When my wife told me we were getting a divorce, she said it was because I was too unamerican. I saw it coming a kilometre away.
I got a shock yesterday. I found out Albert Einstein was a real person. I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
Why does it hurt when you bite your tongue accidentally, but not wen you bite your tongue on purpose? And why are you biting your tongue right now?
I saw this old movie on TV last night that I thought was really good. It's called The Wizard of Oz. It's about a teenage girl who gets stranded in a foreign land where she kills the first person she meets, then teams up with three friends to kill again. - and she totally gets away with it.
I worked at a pizza joint when I was a kid. One of our regulars was a Zen master. Every Friday he'd come in and say "Make me one with everything."
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while
A Scotsman walks into an empty bar, because the Welshman, Englishman and Irishman were still at the World Cup
May your beer be as cold as my ex-wife's heart. Stu Bidaso has mean parents. (say the name three times fast) My latest ex girlfriend and I broke up this morning. She's vegan. She used to make us kale, wheatgrass and almond milk smoothies each morning for breakfast. Today she found out I was spiking them with bacon bits.