I emigrated to Australia for a better life..... ....but the girlfriend tracked me down and put a stop to that
I really had a plan for a good one this morning, but I'm just kind of out of it. I had this dream where I was a muffler, and now I'm just too exhausted.
Before I criticize someone, I try to walk a mile in their shoes... because, that way, I'm a mile away, and I have their shoes.
Police have arrested an Eskimo on suspicion of rape.......they want to know what he was doing on the night of September to April.
Nope, because they're not daft enough too. Also, if America is daft enough to go around the planet donating it's military, countries will take it, never look a gift horse in the mouth.
I put an ad in the paper that simply said, "Wife wanted", and I got over a hundred reply letters with all of them saying, "You can have mine".
Damn. I got fired on the first day of my new job for asking customers if they would prefer "Smoking or Non-Smoking." Apparently, the correct phrase is, "Cremation or Burial."
“A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air. "Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife annual and tosses it over his shoulder. "I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation. Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.”
True story: talking to an old man after I was recently married, and he tells me, "marriage is like a really hot bath. Once your in it for a while, it's not so hot."
Three nuns die and go to heaven. Peter meets them at the gates and says. Just because your nuns you dont get a free pass. You have answer a question first. First nun he says who was the first man on earth. The nun says Adam. Correct Peter says you are in. He says to the second nun. Who was the first woman on earth. The second nun says Eve. Correct Peter says your in. He says to the third nun, this a bit trickier but try and answer this question. What did Eve say to Adam when she first meets him. Hmmmm the nun thinks and says, Thats A Hard One! Saint Peter says Correct you are in.
There was a young vampire called Mable. Whose periods were always quite stable. At every full moon, she took out a spoon, and drank herself under the table.
