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Tasteless Humor II The Second One.

Discussion in 'Humor & Satire' started by Moi621, Feb 21, 2019.

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  1. Liberty Monkey

    Liberty Monkey Well-Known Member

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    My son was hooked up to all these machines and wires, and hadn't even moved for almost a week.
    .
    .
    .
    Finally I had enough and went and unplugged the wi-fi.
     
    Liberty Monkey, May 11, 2019
    #801
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  2. Gorgeous George

    Gorgeous George Well-Known Member

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    When someone calls me on the phone and says, "sorry to disturb you", I answer with, "That's ok, I'm already disturbed".
     
    Gorgeous George, May 11, 2019
    #802
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  3. Gorgeous George

    Gorgeous George Well-Known Member

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    When I get a spam call, I always answer with, Everything went as planned but there was a lot of blood".
     
    Gorgeous George, May 11, 2019
    #803
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  4. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    A thief broke into my house last night and started to search for money
    .
    .
    So I woke up and searched with him
     
    Nonnie, May 12, 2019
    #804
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  5. Blaster3

    Blaster3 Well-Known Member

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    aye, but did you get it writing to split the spoils
     
    Blaster3, May 12, 2019
    #805
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  6. Crownline

    Crownline Banned at Members Request

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    Crownline, May 12, 2019
    #806
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  7. Liberty Monkey

    Liberty Monkey Well-Known Member

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    Liberty Monkey, May 12, 2019
    #807
  8. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Nonnie, May 12, 2019
    #808
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  9. Moi621

    Moi621 Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    The California way to celebrate Amtrak

     
    Moi621, May 12, 2019
    #809
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  10. Blaster3

    Blaster3 Well-Known Member

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    the new face of the dnc
    upload_2019-5-13_8-37-18.png
     
    Blaster3, May 13, 2019
    #810
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  11. Liberty Monkey

    Liberty Monkey Well-Known Member

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    How much wood can a wood chuck, chuck?
     
    Liberty Monkey, May 13, 2019
    #811
  12. ToddWB

    ToddWB Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Warning.. it's horrible.
     
    ToddWB, May 13, 2019
    #812
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  13. Pro_Line_FL

    Pro_Line_FL Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    [​IMG]
     
    Pro_Line_FL, May 13, 2019
    #813
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  14. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    "That's what you get for bogarting the pipe."
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2019
    StillBlue, May 13, 2019
    #814
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  15. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    StillBlue, May 13, 2019
    #815
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  16. Gatewood

    Gatewood Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]
     
    Gatewood, May 13, 2019
    #816
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  17. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    The stewards at an outback racetrack had long suspected ...

    a certain owner of doping his horse before a race. One meeting, just before the main race, the chief steward noticed this owner sneaking into the stable. He watched as he slipped something into the horses mouth, then grabbed his arm, shouting 'Got you at last. You'll be rubbed out for life over this, you rotten so and so."

    The owner, never at a loss for words, smiled and said "Why, no mate, these are only home made sweets the wife makes. Settles him down before a big race, you see. Here - try one, they're real good." He slipped one into his own mouth in proof, and the steward, his sails deflated, had no option but to do the same.

    The owner led the horse to the saddling paddock. "Get in front from the start and stay there," he told the jockey.

    "Why so?" asked the jockey. "Is anything likely to pass me?"

    The owner grimly replied " Only me and the chief steward.
     
    Sallyally, May 15, 2019
    #817
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  18. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Sorry, and this.
    There was a man who worked for the Post Office ...

    ... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

    Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

    Sincerely, Edna

    The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,

    Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

    Sincerely yours Edna.
     
    Sallyally, May 15, 2019
    #818
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  19. Liberty Monkey

    Liberty Monkey Well-Known Member

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    "Certainly," I replied. "My wife's best friend on Monday and Tuesday, my secretary Wednesdays and Thursdays, the cleaner on Friday night and the babysitter over the weekend."
    "Very nice," said the doctor. "But when I asked if your affairs were in order...."
     
    Liberty Monkey, May 15, 2019
    #819
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  20. Liberty Monkey

    Liberty Monkey Well-Known Member

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    Female: "Can we play my favourite game tonight?"
    Male: "But we play 'Guess Why I'm Upset' every night".
     
    Liberty Monkey, May 15, 2019
    #820
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  21. Blaster3

    Blaster3 Well-Known Member

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    upload_2019-5-15_7-37-52.png
     
    Blaster3, May 15, 2019
    #821
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  22. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    A pizza is round because originally they were actual pies and needed to be round to cook evenly.
    The boxes are square because is is prohibitively expensive to make round ones.
    The pizza is cut into wedges to provide equal portions of toppings and crust just as fruit pies are.

    While I'm at it. The egg came first but it wasn't laid by a chicken.
     
    StillBlue, May 15, 2019
    #822
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  23. Blaster3

    Blaster3 Well-Known Member

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    https://www.prnewswire.com/news-rel...he-pizza-box-comes-full-circle-300614431.html
     
    Blaster3, May 15, 2019
    #823
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  24. BestViewedWithCable

    BestViewedWithCable Well-Known Member

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    More wood than a democrat on government assistance.
     
    BestViewedWithCable, May 15, 2019
    #824
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  25. Montegriffo

    Montegriffo Well-Known Member

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    Less wood than Tiger at an au pair's convention.
     
    Montegriffo, May 16, 2019
    #825
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