Tasteless Humor II The Second One.

Heathen

 

Is that what they mean when they call it "Hard wood"?

 

It's a known fact that hard wood is prevalent in the left while the right is almost entirely soft wood.

 

Snorting Viagra will do that for you, that's why they call it the blue pill.

 

Haha

 

How do we get Rudy Giuliani out of the press? It seems like every time that I hear him speak I have bad Jerry Springer flashbacks. I swear his dimentia is paraded out for the sole purpose of making people fear getting older, that when they do friends and family will humiliate them on tv. Obviously they do it for the ratings, you're flipping through the channels and it's like a car wreak, you have to stop and gawk.
I say put an end to it and let the poor man live out his years in peace contemplating the fire hydrant in front of his house.

 

A man takes his son out hunting coon for the first time. He hands his son the gun and off they go with their hound Old Blue. Eventually they come upon a coon up in a tree. The son says, " I got him", and aims the shotgun at the coon. The old man says, "No, no son. I 'll just shake the tree and when the coon falls to the ground Old Blue will f**k it to death." So the man shaked the tree, the coon falls out, and Old Blue pounces on it and f**ks it to death. This happens a couple more times until they come to a coon that's up a bigger tree. The old man shakes it, but the coon just climbs up higher. So the old man climbs up and shakes and the coon just climbs higher. This goes on until the old man is getting to some mighty thin branches, and one of them snaps. As he is about to fall the old man calls down, " Son, shoot Old Blue!"

 

Modern life is a political minefield.
If you don't like Jews killing people, you're anti-Semitic.
If you don't want to be killed, you're Islamophobic.

 

Didn't take Jeremy Kyle long to get a new Job. The DWP were very impressed in the way he killed a benefit claimant off and he starts work as an assessor next week.

 

Donald Trump has pledged that America will have the world's first Space Force.
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I suspect there was a mix-up when his advisers told him Independence Day is coming up.

 

This kid threw a lump of cheddar cheese at me.
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I thought, "That's not very mature"

 

What did the Queen say when a guy threw a lump of cheese
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How dairy

 

Have you heard about these new reversible jackets
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I can't wait to see how they turn out

 

An old man goes to a diner every day for lunch.

He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies, in a thick acent, "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread," comes the reply once again.

The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"

The old man replies: "It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread."

 

I sent my wife a big pile of snow
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The next day, I asked her if she got my drift

 

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.

Jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking.

"What's wrong?" asked Jack.

"I've been transferred to Los Angeles," the guy answered. "There's crazy people in Los Angeles. They have shootings, robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs . . . . the highest crime rate."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived there all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm the tail gunner on a Bud Lite truck."

 

I'm looking forward to seeing that film about a queen who's a bit of a slag, wears ridiculous wigs and goes mad with power -
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'Rocketman'

 

Until the meat falls off of the bone as I always say.

 

Tetris taught me that when you try to fit in
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You'll disappear

 

Was she frigid? (Not that it's any of my concern.)

 

Y

Yes, but she's going to plough on.

 

Darwin Award winner
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/ar...agged-crocodile-infested-Indonesian-lake.html

 

I've got an on/off girlfriend.
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She's on charge at the moment.

 

This week it's the 20th year of the juggling convention I set up in 1999.
If I do an act at the show next weekend I'm using that one.